All Joan Rivers Quotes
- Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. Call
- I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. Bend
- I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. Bend
- It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom. Been
- Don't talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass! Affair
- You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again All
- I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it. Boil
- The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. Christmas
- Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because… All
- I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. All
- Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain… Age
- If youre going to be a romantic idol and try to get every teenage girl to love you, then youd be an ass to come… Anymore
- Victoria Beckham is so nasty, Why doesn't she just go home?! Her dresses are beautiful, but I don't care what she does. She's mean to… Airports
- Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy,… Act
- My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of… Bleu
- The average airplane is 16 years old, and so is the average airplane meal. Airplane
- Victoria Beckham should get a life, I am not a fan of outrageous consumption. I think it is vulgar. And no-one should flaunt that they… Allowed
- I tried to contact Johnny to reconcile our friendship, a million times, but he just wasn't having it. When he passed away, I felt such… Blow
- How stupid can you get? Christina must have been thinking about food, thats why she forgot the words. Shes gotten so big. She looks like… Been
- Lying about having work done is such a put-down to women. It says to the average woman: 'I'm beautifully naturally and you're not.' Average