Joan Rivers Quotes

250 quotes in 2309 categories

• I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him. You'll double your wardrobe.'
• I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.
• We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.
• Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to…
• Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
• I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.
• Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
• I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
• At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!
• A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before…
• My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.
• I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
• A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go…
• You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
• I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'
• I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs.
• Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
• She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.
• My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
• My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?"…

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