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All Quotes by Joan Rivers
- Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
- My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?"…
- Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the…
- I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.
- All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
- There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I've Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment…
- And since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish looking. A large percentage…
- Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.
- With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
- Life is so tough. I don't know how old you are, but I've seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life…
- I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
- I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
- Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be…
- Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
- I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
- The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over…
- We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
- My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he was a f-king…
- Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.
- My audiences get younger all the time.
- As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely…
- I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three…
- You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again
- Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because…
- I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
More All Quotes
- Total loyalty is possible only when fidelity is emptied of all concrete content, from which changes of mind might naturally arise. — Hannah Arendt
- No cause is left but the most ancient of all, the one, in fact, that from the beginning of our history has… — Hannah Arendt
- The ultimate end of human acts is eudaimonia, happiness in the sense of living well, which all men desire; all acts are… — Hannah Arendt
- The new always happens against the overwhelming odds of statistical laws and their probability, which for all practical, everyday purposes amounts to… — Hannah Arendt
- Where all are guilty, no one is; confessions of collective guilt are the best possible safeguard against the discovery of culprits, and… — Hannah Arendt
- We have almost succeeded in leveling all human activities to the common denominator of securing the necessities of life and providing for… — Hannah Arendt
- I keep my friends as misers do their treasure, because, of all the things granted us by wisdom, none is greater or… — Pietro Aretino
- We must all make peace so that we can all live in peace. — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- The spirit of Ubuntu, that once led Haiti to emerge as the first independent black nation in 1804, helped Venezuela, Colombia and… — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- As we all know, many people remain buried under tons of rubble and debris, waiting to be rescued. When we think of… — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- Wise people, even though all laws were abolished, would still lead the same life. — Aristophanes
- A friend to all is a friend to none. — Aristotle