All Joan Rivers Quotes
- I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool. Adopt
- I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented. Business
- I was not an attractive child. Attractive
- Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds. Elizabeth
- Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her. Funny
- The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage. Funny
- Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too. History
- The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over… All
- It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up. Been
- Looking 50 is great, if you're 60. Birthday
- Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name. Adore
- My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know. Anybody
- The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery. Age
- With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace. Age
- When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off. Age
- You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it. Age
- I can't wear yellow anymore. It's too matchy-matchy with my catheter. Age
- You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police. Age
- I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving. Age
- My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time. Age
- We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak. Age
- My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he was a f-king… Age
- At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents. Accents
- Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones. All
- Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences. Audiences