"Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I…" — Joan Rivers

"Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her."

— Joan Rivers

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245 Quotes by Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers has 245 quotes on this site. A few more worth reading:

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him. You'll double your wardrobe.'
I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.
We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get…
Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes…
Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief…
I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.
Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!
A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of…
My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.
I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never…

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More Funny Quotes

This quote is filed under Funny Quotes, one of 52,060 quotes in that category. Here are a few more:

To be free in an age like ours, one must be in a position of authority. That in itself would… — Hannah Arendt
These are the fifties, you know. The disgusting, posturing fifties. — Hannah Arendt
I'm literally open to any medium that will have me. — J. J. Abrams
We must all make peace so that we can all live in peace. — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. — Aristotle
There is no great genius without a mixture of madness. — Aristotle
I hope to make movies that are so small they don't need to make anything to be profitable. — J. J. Abrams
I love recording music. — J. J. Abrams
Hope is the dream of a waking man. — Aristotle
Education is the best provision for old age. — Aristotle
I've had the same friends since I was in kindergarten. — J. J. Abrams
I also have this incredible love for women. — Kevyn Aucoin

See all 52,060 Funny Quotes »