All Joan Rivers Quotes
- I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry. Colonic
- I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof. All
- All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window. All
- I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.' Call
- If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog. Dog
- I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. Anyone
- I've learned: When you get older, who cares? I don't mince words, I don't hold back. What are you gonna do to me? Fire me?… Been
- Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work. Anyone
- I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.” Best
- I was born in 1962 and the room next to me was 1963. Born
- There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I've Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment… All
- I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done. Absolutely
- I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout. Husband
- Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her. Board
- Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake? Cake
- I have to tell you that it's not going to be easy. Take every chance and every opportunity that you can. Don't say 'I can't'… Chance
- If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly Gay
- I’m never without a bandage. Bandage
- I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked Count
- No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face. Betty
- I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs. Blue
- I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays German
- I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth,… Beck
- You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw. Funny
- When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you. Ever Make