All Joan Rivers Quotes
- There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. Beautiful
- Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. Husband
- My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day. Ashes
- I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. Everyone
- I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are. Accept
- I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. Covers
- My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It… Baby
- The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found. Beauty
- Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say,… Birth
- Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be… All
- My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. Aging
- My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy. Audience
- Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress. All
- Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. Chinese
- I was smart enough to go through any door that opened. Any
- I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider. Been
- Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top. Anything Else
- She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven. Concept
- Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you. Accept
- Every television show you go on is a choice. Choice
- I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her. Beyond
- I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning. Beginning
- I hate reality shows that are not reality. Hate
- I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage. All
- I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show. Every Show