"People say that money is not the key……" — Joan Rivers
"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."
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Joan Rivers
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245 Quotes by Joan Rivers
Joan Rivers has 245 quotes on this site.
A few more worth reading:
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him. You'll double your wardrobe.'
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I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.
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We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get…
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Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes…
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Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief…
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.
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Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
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I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!
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A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of…
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My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.
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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never…
See all 245 quotes by Joan Rivers »
More Always Figured Quotes
This quote is filed under Always Figured Quotes,
one of 14 quotes in that category. Here are a few more:
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I had never really pictured myself working in children's ministries. I always figured I would be more comfortable with maybe…
— Willie Aames
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Depression is something that has always figured in my life but now I'm dealing with it. I wish I'd done…
— Jack Dee
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I always figured it was best if I write my songs, take them to my publisher and just lay back.…
— Otis Blackwell
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I've always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He'd have given us bigger behinds…
— P.J. O'Rourke
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I always figured the American public wanted a solemn ass for president, so I went along with them.
— Calvin Coolidge
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I always figured I'd still be playing at this age.
— Lionel Hampton
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I traveled with my mother, Lela, and there was never enough money. I always had to roll down my silk…
— Ginger Rogers
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In college, I had a course in Latin, and one day the word "divorce" came up. I always figured it…
— Mitch Albom
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I was never young. Whoever I was then is dead. That's more of your quills. I don't want a hide…
— Ray Bradbury
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He’d only ever seen a gun once, a smaller one on the hip of that old deputy, a gun he’d…
— Hugh Howey
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I always figured Metropolis was north of New York, actually. Between New York and Boston, in my mind.
— Jim Lee
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Sitcoms, I always figured that would be an easy gig, but man, it is not.
— Blake Shelton
See all 14 Always Figured Quotes »