Hillarious Quotes

18 quotes by 1 authors

• I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is… — Joan Rivers
• No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card. — Joan Rivers
• She's so fat, she's my two best friends. — Joan Rivers
• Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin. — Joan Rivers
• She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit. — Joan Rivers
• I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry. — Joan Rivers
• I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof. — Joan Rivers
• All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window. — Joan Rivers
• I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.' — Joan Rivers
• My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark. — Joan Rivers
• I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. — Joan Rivers
• The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. — Joan Rivers
• People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. — Joan Rivers
• I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery. — Joan Rivers
• Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to… — Joan Rivers
• I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. — Joan Rivers
• I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider. — Joan Rivers
• She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven. — Joan Rivers

Who Wrote These Hillarious Quotes

1 author contributed a total of 18 Hillarious Quotes as follows:

• 18 Hillarious Quotes by Joan Rivers