Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. — Henny Youngman Credit card Copy Share Image
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He… — Henny Youngman Car Copy Share Image
The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?" — Henny Youngman Doctors Copy Share Image
The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner… — Henny Youngman Asks Copy Share Image
A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe! — Henny Youngman Blow Copy Share Image
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it. — Henny Youngman Aim Copy Share Image
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. — Henny Youngman Four Copy Share Image
The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!" — Henny Youngman Doctors Copy Share Image
Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please. — Henny Youngman Academy Copy Share Image
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree. — Henny Youngman Bananas Copy Share Image
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. — Henny Youngman Couple Copy Share Image
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. — Henny Youngman I love you Copy Share Image
I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward. — Henny Youngman Accounts Copy Share Image
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. — Henny Youngman Medicine Copy Share Image
I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker. — Henny Youngman Brokers Copy Share Image
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out. — Henny Youngman Car Copy Share Image
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. — Henny Youngman Atheist Copy Share Image
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" — Henny Youngman Funny Copy Share Image
