Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp! — Henny Youngman Doctors Copy Share Image
My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better. — Henny Youngman Humor Copy Share Image
Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop. — Henny Youngman Communication Copy Share Image
“When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading” — Henny Youngman Books Copy Share Image
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant! — Henny Youngman Amazed Copy Share Image
2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in… — Henny Youngman Funny Copy Share Image
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!" — Henny Youngman Blood Copy Share Image
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings! — Henny Youngman Baths Copy Share Image
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me… — Henny Youngman Clubs Copy Share Image
Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look. — Henny Youngman Dressing room Copy Share Image
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. — Henny Youngman All night Copy Share Image
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. — Henny Youngman Doctor Copy Share Image
There is no spark like the one ignited under the aspirations of a new graduate. — Henny Youngman Aspiration Copy Share Image
My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does! — Henny Youngman Cards Copy Share Image
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. — Henny Youngman Anniversary Copy Share Image
I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon. — Henny Youngman Afternoon Copy Share Image
We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse. — Henny Youngman Done Copy Share Image
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. — Henny Youngman Comedy Copy Share Image
Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house. — Henny Youngman Divorced Copy Share Image
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses… — Henny Youngman Car Copy Share Image
His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker. — Henny Youngman Funny Copy Share Image
Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children… — Henny Youngman Animal Copy Share Image
