I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A… — Henny Youngman Ask me Copy Share Image
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" — Henny Youngman Arthritis Copy Share Image
A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when… — Henny Youngman Beach Copy Share Image
He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny. — Henny Youngman Comedy Copy Share Image
I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five. — Henny Youngman Five Copy Share Image
Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live. — Henny Youngman Comedy Copy Share Image
“My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.” — Henny Youngman Eighty Copy Share Image
When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing. — Henny Youngman Work Copy Share Image
Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket. — Henny Youngman Baskets Copy Share Image
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. — Henny Youngman Horse Copy Share Image
During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland. — Henny Youngman Basements Copy Share Image
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? — Henny Youngman Dad Copy Share Image
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I… — Henny Youngman Drunk Copy Share Image
I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it. — Henny Youngman Home Copy Share Image
A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles… — Henny Youngman Doctors Copy Share Image
I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller. — Henny Youngman Airplane Copy Share Image
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! — Henny Youngman Bed Copy Share Image
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. — Henny Youngman Funny marriage Copy Share Image
A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot! — Henny Youngman Doe Copy Share Image
