How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' — Henny Youngman Crazy Copy Share Image
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. — Henny Youngman Airport Copy Share Image
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out. — Henny Youngman Car Copy Share Image
I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner. — Henny Youngman Girl Copy Share Image
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! — Henny Youngman Bed Copy Share Image
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married?… — Henny Youngman Birthday Copy Share Image
A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so… — Henny Youngman Chilly Copy Share Image
Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I… — Henny Youngman Asking Copy Share Image
I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller. — Henny Youngman Airplane Copy Share Image
A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food. — Henny Youngman Baby Copy Share Image
Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please. — Henny Youngman Academy Copy Share Image
“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny… — Henny Youngman Medicine Copy Share Image
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He… — Henny Youngman Car Copy Share Image
My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him. — Henny Youngman Boss Copy Share Image
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree. — Henny Youngman Bananas Copy Share Image
“When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)” — Henny Youngman Conscience Copy Share Image
The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks… — Henny Youngman Asks Copy Share Image
I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A… — Henny Youngman Ask me Copy Share Image
I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself. — Henny Youngman Commit Copy Share Image
Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television? — Henny Youngman Families Copy Share Image
I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free? — Henny Youngman Idiot Copy Share Image
I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad. — Henny Youngman Children Copy Share Image
A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up. — Henny Youngman Done Copy Share Image
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the… — Henny Youngman Bathroom Copy Share Image
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood. — Henny Youngman Car Copy Share Image
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly… — Henny Youngman Crazy Copy Share Image
I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange. — Henny Youngman Christmas Copy Share Image
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind… — Henny Youngman Behinds Copy Share Image
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant! — Henny Youngman Amazed Copy Share Image
2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in… — Henny Youngman Funny Copy Share Image
I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in… — Henny Youngman Asks Copy Share Image
A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the… — Henny Youngman Blind Copy Share Image
Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way… — Henny Youngman Dinner Copy Share Image
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office".… — Henny Youngman Bills Copy Share Image
