Henny Youngman

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

— Henny Youngman

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

— Henny Youngman

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

— Henny Youngman

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

— Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

— Henny Youngman

I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.

— Henny Youngman

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

— Henny Youngman

I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

— Henny Youngman

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20…

— Henny Youngman

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it…

— Henny Youngman

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

— Henny Youngman

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other…

— Henny Youngman

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a…

— Henny Youngman

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's…

— Henny Youngman

“My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.”

— Henny Youngman

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

— Henny Youngman

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

— Henny Youngman

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

— Henny Youngman

A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.

— Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

— Henny Youngman

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

— Henny Youngman

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

— Henny Youngman

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

— Henny Youngman

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

— Henny Youngman

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.

— Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

— Henny Youngman

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

— Henny Youngman

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

— Henny Youngman

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

— Henny Youngman

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

— Henny Youngman

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

— Henny Youngman

College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

— Henny Youngman

“Dancing on pointe...Why don't they just get taller girls?”

— Henny Youngman

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

— Henny Youngman

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

— Henny Youngman

When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing.

— Henny Youngman

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

— Henny Youngman

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

— Henny Youngman

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

— Henny Youngman

My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

— Henny Youngman