Henny Youngman

My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

— Henny Youngman

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

— Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

— Henny Youngman

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

— Henny Youngman

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

— Henny Youngman

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

— Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

— Henny Youngman

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

— Henny Youngman

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

— Henny Youngman

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it…

— Henny Youngman

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

— Henny Youngman

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

— Henny Youngman

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20…

— Henny Youngman

The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner…

— Henny Youngman

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I…

— Henny Youngman

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help…

— Henny Youngman

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.

— Henny Youngman

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

— Henny Youngman

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

— Henny Youngman

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

— Henny Youngman

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

— Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

— Henny Youngman

I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.

— Henny Youngman

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

— Henny Youngman

A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.

— Henny Youngman

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

— Henny Youngman

I've kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.

— Henny Youngman

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

— Henny Youngman

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

— Henny Youngman

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

— Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

— Henny Youngman

I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

— Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

— Henny Youngman

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.”

— Henny Youngman

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

— Henny Youngman

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

— Henny Youngman

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

— Henny Youngman

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

— Henny Youngman

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

— Henny Youngman

Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

— Henny Youngman