Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock. — Henny Youngman Clock Copy Share Image
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. — Henny Youngman Doe Copy Share Image
When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter." — Henny Youngman Asks Copy Share Image
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. — Henny Youngman Broke Copy Share Image
I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner. — Henny Youngman Girl Copy Share Image
A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters. — Henny Youngman Dollars Copy Share Image
I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions. — Henny Youngman Giving Copy Share Image
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did — Henny Youngman Cards Copy Share Image
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. — Henny Youngman Married Copy Share Image
A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so… — Henny Youngman Chilly Copy Share Image
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. — Henny Youngman Poor Copy Share Image
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads. — Henny Youngman Body Copy Share Image
A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like… — Henny Youngman Alaska Copy Share Image
I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I… — Henny Youngman Dies Copy Share Image
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in. — Henny Youngman Chairs Copy Share Image
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium. — Henny Youngman Cutters Copy Share Image
Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men. — Henny Youngman Girl Copy Share Image
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! — Henny Youngman First time Copy Share Image
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. — Henny Youngman Balls Copy Share Image
My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable. — Henny Youngman Funny Copy Share Image
