I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood. — Henny Youngman Car Copy Share Image
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" — Henny Youngman Funny Copy Share Image
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. — Henny Youngman Beauty Copy Share Image
I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker. — Henny Youngman Broker Copy Share Image
When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter." — Henny Youngman Asks Copy Share Image
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about… — Henny Youngman Asks Copy Share Image
I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I… — Henny Youngman Dies Copy Share Image
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the… — Henny Youngman Bathroom Copy Share Image
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?"… — Henny Youngman Coming back Copy Share Image
Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket. — Henny Youngman Baskets Copy Share Image
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it. — Henny Youngman Checks Copy Share Image
I asked a Jewish man, "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said, "Yes", and walked away. — Henny Youngman Avenues Copy Share Image
A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other… — Henny Youngman Bandage Copy Share Image
A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old… — Henny Youngman Clothes Copy Share Image
A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next… — Henny Youngman Asks Copy Share Image
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball,… — Henny Youngman Ants Copy Share Image
A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like… — Henny Youngman Alaska Copy Share Image
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. — Henny Youngman Cases Copy Share Image
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. — Henny Youngman Couple Copy Share Image
A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him. — Henny Youngman Afraid Copy Share Image
I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it. — Henny Youngman Home Copy Share Image
Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men. — Henny Youngman Attracted Copy Share Image
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. — Henny Youngman Dope Copy Share Image
I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today. — Henny Youngman Conditions Copy Share Image
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? — Henny Youngman Dad Copy Share Image
Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television? — Henny Youngman Families Copy Share Image
