I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of. — Henny Youngman Brother Copy Share Image
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" — Henny Youngman Funny Copy Share Image
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. — Henny Youngman Beauty Copy Share Image
I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker. — Henny Youngman Broker Copy Share Image
When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter." — Henny Youngman Asks Copy Share Image
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. — Henny Youngman Cases Copy Share Image
A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my… — Henny Youngman Funny Copy Share Image
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about… — Henny Youngman Asks Copy Share Image
I went to the bank and reviewed my savings, I found out I have all the money I'll ever need. If I… — Henny Youngman Dies Copy Share Image
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. — Henny Youngman Credit card Copy Share Image
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" — Henny Youngman Arthritis Copy Share Image
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did — Henny Youngman Cards Copy Share Image
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. — Henny Youngman Medicine Copy Share Image
The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner… — Henny Youngman Asks Copy Share Image
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball,… — Henny Youngman Ants Copy Share Image
A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like… — Henny Youngman Alaska Copy Share Image
A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next… — Henny Youngman Asks Copy Share Image
A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him. — Henny Youngman Afraid Copy Share Image
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. — Henny Youngman Couple Copy Share Image
I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five. — Henny Youngman Five Copy Share Image
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium. — Henny Youngman Cutters Copy Share Image
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. — Henny Youngman Atheist Copy Share Image
“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.” — Henny Youngman Humor Copy Share Image
A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!" — Henny Youngman Communication Copy Share Image
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. — Henny Youngman Finding Copy Share Image
