“To some dogs I don’t like cats, to some cats I don’t like dogs, and to some people I don’t like. Mostly… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m wearing my political mustache today. If you want to see it, you’ll find it on the pubic region of a lobbyist.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My brakes sound like my horn, and my car’s bumper is bumpy enough to be brail. My ideal reader would be a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream my house was on fire, and I tried to rescue all the cats—and none of the politicians. You… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to paint a mural of your favorite politician. It doesn’t matter how accurate it is, just so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Mr. Shit gives politicians a good name. It’s the rest of the politicians who give Mr. Shit a bad name.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket might make the ideal politician, because they’re warm, comforting, soft, and easily corruptible. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to have five or six wives, and a few dozen sheep, all for my pleasure. I should be a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If your favorite politician got ran over by a bus, I’d express my condolences by telling you I know how you feel.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s hard to steal somebody’s shoes while they are wearing them and not have them notice. But that’s what politicians have done… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Blanket could be used to form a new word—tenkalb—which in turn could be used, or not used at all. But that’s not… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can only think of one good reason not to kill you: because if I killed you, I’d have to bury you,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Just because I look like John Wayne (at least my liver looks identical to his) doesn’t mean I play cowboy with politics.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m the kind of guy who turns my fan on in winter, only to then go and add another blanket on top… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to make the world safer for our children. Well, not our children, as I don't actually have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to bestow gratitude upon your favorite (or least favorite) politician. Let them know your approval level by… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to pad the pockets of crooked politicians. Why stuff their greedy pockets with cash, when we could load… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It may be 9:01 am, and I may have a 9-5 business, but if you are a politician, I’m closed. Come back… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What you’d call stealing, I’d call a mistake. Or, if I were a politician, I’d call it an opportunity, and my privilege.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put the hop in IHOP, and jumped on my pan of pancakes and then on to Panama. That’s standard government issued… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Politicians are like warts on the body of society. And the only thing worse than warts are lawyers and lobbyists. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s disturbing to me that criminals are freely roaming the streets of our nation’s capital. I’m not talking about escaped prison inmates—I’m… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A priest, a politician, and a philosopher walk into a bar, and the bartender stabs one of them. Which one did he… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People are so particular. Unlike animals, which can be lions, eagles, or sharks, people are only people. (Though some people can easily… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think it’s OK to rape as many people as possible, and that’s precisely why I’m going into politics.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Is a wind farm a field full of talking politicians? If so, I wonder what they grow? Probably the national debt.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I suffer from tennis elbow. It’s an old masturbating injury from when I was training to go into politics.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d rather make love to a robot than a politician, because it’d be more personable. Anyway, talking vacuum cleaners with flesh and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Governments are too stupid to understand that too much red tape does not bind a nation together—it tears it apart.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Hardly anybody tells the truth these days. For the truth I have to go to Washington DC, and whatever a politician says,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d like to spend money on a wallet, but if I spent money on a wallet, I’d have none left over to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The government should either force the population to get healthy, or tax them for not complying. If the people still refuse to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
