“The government wants to be aware of all your movements—probably including your bowel movements. Ain’t that some shit?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nobody is either honest or dishonest. Life is a gradient, and a saint might be an 8.7, and a dirtbag politician might… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I serve the people. Am I a politician? No, I’m just a greedy and corrupt waiter.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d make a great politician. I’d make it out of pig shit, so it wouldn’t be as foul as it is now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m very careful with political statements. When I bash the Republicans, I know I’ll piss off about half the people. That’s why… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What do I do for fun? Well, I’d love to get into the bank robbing business, but government work is not for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Birthdays are like politicians. I don’t like any of them, but they still keep coming around.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t encourage chaos to initiate a revolution. The only reason to revolt is because the people find the government revolting.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When all the birds and all the fish join forces, the politicians will be forced to chew on and swallow their own… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A boring machine, would it drill holes—or put you to sleep? The two-party political system, that’s a boring machine, though voters are… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help defeat all incumbent politicians whose last name starts with Brj and anything after that alphabetically.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be thrown, like a football, only instead of a wide receiver, I’d recommend sending out a politician to catch… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It may be 9:01 am, and I may have a 9-5 business, but if you are a politician, I’m closed. Come back… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican, I think everybody can agree that politicians are crooks. But I don’t think politicians are… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A lawyer, a politician, and a prostitute walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.”… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Blankets could be used to keep politicians warm, when we kick them all to the street. They’ll be warm, but they’ll be… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If politicians lived to be only 30-years-old before dying, that’d still be 30 years too long.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I painted my walls yellow, with melted butter, because I recently discovered that I had a popcorn ceiling. It’s this kind of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The only thing politicians serve is their own interest. Public servant has morphed into private serpent.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, that’s just what I’ll do. It’s this kind of regard for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You know what show I thought was a riot? Live coverage of Egyptians overthrowing their government.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
