“Just because you don’t have an arrest record doesn’t mean you’re not a criminal. As proof, note some of the cleanest rap… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Hardly anybody tells the truth these days. For the truth I have to go to Washington DC, and whatever a politician says,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream my house was on fire, and I tried to rescue all the cats—and none of the politicians. You… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On average, women are better liars than men. But the best liars are men, because politicians are still predominantly men. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I thought I ran over a politician’s dog, but when I discovered it was his wig, I was disappointed.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The thing that has impacted life on earth the most is life on mars. That’s where the government is storing all my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Politics is all about showing you have integrity—and hiding the fact that you really don’t have any.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I once watched several criminals engage in an organized argument, while an audience of supporters cheered them on, but I was so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want a house with a garage, so someone from the government won’t try to park a tank in my living room.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I suffer from tennis elbow. It’s an old masturbating injury from when I was training to go into politics.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Mr. Shit gives politicians a good name. It’s the rest of the politicians who give Mr. Shit a bad name.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Don’t point your accusatory finger at me, unless you want me to wrap my hand around it, grip it tight, and jerk… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Be true to who you are as a person. Or, if you’re a politician, be true to who you are as an… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Not only did I not get it done, but I’m over budget too. I’m like a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It is possible to be a retard and a politician. In fact, it’s almost a prerequisite.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I ran over some dog poop on my drive home last night. But I didn’t feel bad, because I didn’t vote for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My brakes sound like my horn, and my car’s bumper is bumpy enough to be brail. My ideal reader would be a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s hard to hear over the racket of gunfire. Politicians want to talk about war, but the people want to talk about… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d like to spend money on a wallet, but if I spent money on a wallet, I’d have none left over to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I say eek to Zeke Ekez, the imaginary palindrome politician of my dreams. He looks like me, talks like me, and thinks… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d rather make love to a robot than a politician, because it’d be more personable. Anyway, talking vacuum cleaners with flesh and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m wearing my political mustache today. If you want to see it, you’ll find it on the pubic region of a lobbyist.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Most people don’t know where money comes from. Even most of our elected officials don’t know. If you were to ask a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
