“A blanket could be used to lure politicians to your side of an issue. Which is your side? Easy—the side I’m not… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s nothing special about politicians as people. Now as animals, they’d be extraordinary for their ability to be intelligent enough (barely) to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Business idea: Merge a billiard table with a golf course, and make the pockets as deep as a typical politician's pants.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a man’s a constant hand-shaker, he must be a politician or a crook—or both, if he is a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m the kind of guy who turns my fan on in winter, only to then go and add another blanket on top… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Before you enter politics, I pray you lose your anal virginity to a unicorn.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick is something solid, stable, and yet edgy. In other words, it’s everything a politician isn’t. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We’re not so different, you and I. Sure, we may have different religious beliefs, political outlooks, sexual orientations, economic viewpoints, and artistic/literary/culinary… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a policy isn’t working, don’t change the policy—change its name. That should be taught in Politics 101.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What is your SPM (sperm per meal) content? A politician’s is very high.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s hard to steal somebody’s shoes while they are wearing them and not have them notice. But that’s what politicians have done… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a floatation device. But only use it if the person drowning is a politician. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be divided into four even parts and given to three equal people. I’d be an ideal politician, because I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I run for office, my political platform will be made of wood, and it’ll be made by the people.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I walk everywhere wearing orange pants, an orange vest, and a yellow bicycle helmet with a bumper supporting a political candidate I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A politician’s word is like a thick tree branch, and the people are all hanging on it. Well, I’ve got noose for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a sex toy. Well, I say sex toy, but the politician strapped to the bed would… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As an animal lover, I don’t like zoos. I feel the only creatures that should be caged behind bars are politicians, lobbyists,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“America’s problem, in a word, is politicians. In two words, it’s politicians and lobbyists. In three words, it’s politicians, lobbyists, and lawyers.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you make guns illegal, the only people who will have them will be criminals—and the government, which of course is the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He died a suspicious death. But only because he was a politician, and everything he did was suspicious.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A job is like a politician struggling in the water. Be sure you hold it down.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I watch my feet as I walk along. Left, right, left, right, why is everything about politics?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
