“A brick could be used as food for thought. Every politician should chew on that. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Politics isn’t dirty. And neither are politicians. No, politicians are filthy.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Before you enter politics, I pray you lose your anal virginity to a unicorn.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Birthdays are like politicians. I don’t like any of them, but they still keep coming around.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What do you call 1,000 government employees with no mouths or legs? More efficient.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I once watched several criminals engage in an organized argument, while an audience of supporters cheered them on, but I was so… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as brain filler for the political mind, just in case one of our elected officials needs a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want a house with a garage, so someone from the government won’t try to park a tank in my living room.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Be true to who you are as a person. Or, if you’re a politician, be true to who you are as an… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For me, a website would be user friendly if it gave me a handjob. It’d be doubly impressive if it were also… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I hear a politician has died in a car accident, I think, “How tragic! Even if the car suffered only a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Politics is scripted for maximum shock that will lead to gossip and speculation. We are living in a sketch comedy zone. Everything… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The thing that has impacted life on earth the most is life on mars. That’s where the government is storing all my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Jarod Kintz is a friend, a lover, and a loner. Jarod Kintz talks about Jarod Kintz, because Jarod Kintz has nobody else… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A pastor, a politician, and a brick walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve rigid nonthinkers here.”… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m famous for my Shepherd’s Pie. Here’s my recipe: lamb, potatoes, cheese, peas, paprika, and a wool-covered apron for the chef/shepherd/wolf-like politician… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I used to think that Satan and all the fallen angels were the most evil beings in the universe. Now I think… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As an animal lover, I don’t like zoos. I feel the only creatures that should be caged behind bars are politicians, lobbyists,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a hammer, which frees up the hammer to be used as a sex toy. The only… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“America’s problem, in a word, is politicians. In two words, it’s politicians and lobbyists. In three words, it’s politicians, lobbyists, and lawyers.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be a politician, if you attached strings, taught it to dance, and allowed it to read a teleprompter. Remember:… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I put all my eggs in one basket, and then I jizzed all over them. I'm a natural politician.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think we should keep politics out of church, and back in hell where it belongs.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What is your SPM (sperm per meal) content? A politician’s is very high.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Abstain from reading comedy or other government economic statistics.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Though my stomach is only the size of a pea, I could eat two politicians’ brains.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If our limbic system betrays our true intentions, and it’s beyond our conscious control, then only a fool would consider lying a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t think he’s dumber than a politician. But only because it’s not possible to be dumber than a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to keep politics out of my breakfast. Politics isn’t something I want in my eggs, no matter how scrambled I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick is something solid, stable, and yet edgy. In other words, it’s everything a politician isn’t. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Kill all the prisoners, because they’re costing us too much money. Wait! No, kill all the politicians, because they’re spending too much… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In politics, I don’t know which came first, the rubber chicken policies, or the eggheadedness.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I once saw a politician walking a dog, and I thought, “How absurd—an animal walking an animal.” Then I thought, “If given… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Politics is all about showing you have integrity—and hiding the fact that you really don’t have any.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Blankets could be used as scapegoats for global warming. But why blame the blankets? Wouldn’t it be more fun, and more accurate,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
