“Getting struck by lightning is like winning the lottery, only it’ll ruin your life faster.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My car rides smooth like I’m driving a cloud. If I park it at your house, I may get rainwater on your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Yes, life could be better. But it could also be worse. Don’t believe me? Allow me introduce you to my mother-in-law.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If you could change War’s name, do you think you’d change its nature?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Life’s like brown sugar sprinkled on shit. Sure it tastes great, if you don’t mind the smell.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm not afraid of death, I'm just not sure there is life after the honeymoon.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a free lunch. You won’t find any in this life, because I had yours for breakfast.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Life is struggle. Poor people struggle to get money, and rich people struggle to keep their money.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What if dating apps are mostly populated by Deep Fakes, designed to get you to waste your life swiping right and keep… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The day my dad left my mom and I was the second saddest day of my life. The saddest day was the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He was born after me, and he died before me. I gave him life, and I killed him. He was an idea,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If love existed an octave above where your vocal range ended, would you buy a dog whistle to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In life or death situations, my father has only been there once for me. So I'd like to tell him thanks for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Before the blue of night meets the pink of sunrise, there is a transition of lavender. It's a gradient of color that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The ultimate gift is the gift of life. Please, accept this jug of semen as a present from me to you. And… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We made love like water makes life, and thinking about it makes me so horny I’m thirsty. My cup runneth over, but… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were a paper pusher for a living, I’d be pissed if my coworkers moved my desk into the wind tunnel.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to attract a potential life partner. Yes indeed, and it’s how I met my ex wife. And… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Let’s say you’re a politician. You’re still you, but you are an elected official. In other words, in this scenario, you get… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As far as how my mom might view me, I can imagine her saying something like this to me: “You may be… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If frogs tasted like chicken, I’d gladly jump in the frying pan. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I watched a bowl of fruit on the table remain motionless. Just another example of life imitating art.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to enhance your sex life. So what are you waiting for? Get that gerbil out of your… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be given as a graduation gift to a C student. It’s like here, welcome to a life in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to import what’s important, and export the trivial out of my life.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If the man of your dreams existed in two dimensions only, would you try to print duplicates of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There is life, and there is death, and in between there is me. Please don’t wake me up.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My list of chores is a little too important to include in my list of life’s goals.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There are three bowls: One contains Should, one contains Would, and one contains Could. All three bowls are empty.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to motivate. Just hold it up as an example of something that’s going nowhere in life. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I suspect I’ll be suspicious for my whole life that Saturday night is sleeping with Sunday morning.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My life has been going downhill ever since I stopped pedaling on my bicycle. But I suppose that’s a good thing.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve lost many things, and many people, but thankfully I haven’t lost my life, or any of my clones.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my life’s work could fit on a stamp, I’d want you to lick it before I die.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Obese people have really begun to eat up a lot of my free time. That’s the skinny on my life.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She’s the kind of woman I could see myself spending the rest of my life with—after I turn 99.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick is a mode of transportation, for a bug going nowhere in life. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have all the things I need to succeed in life, including a bucket of unicorn urine.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A condom prevents life. A gun takes life. Would a condom over the barrel of a gun prevent one life from taking… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
