“If my legs get blown off in war, I’d like to have them replaced with a coffee table. Half man/half furniture, I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would sacrifice my life to save two lives, provided those two people would sacrifice their lives to save four lives. In… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I write I am an avocado, and in a team sport setting, I am guacamole. And not to sour cream on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If Ted Kennedy made it to heaven, do you think he’s pleased with the fact that Jesus can… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Life is about having an attitude of gratitude. And grabitude. Seriously, you’ve got to take stuff. What, do you think someone’s just… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s no room in my life for a woman. I mean I live in a closet, and I suppose I could squish… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“John Nobody, a Nobody Inc. spokesperson, declined to comment. Or prove his existence or the existence of the company he may or… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Your face influences your life, because it effects how people treat you. Sometimes you don’t have to be king to be treated… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be hung on your living room wall, and watched instead of nightly news. Not only would it be more… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I moved my hand in and out of the shadow and pondered life and death. Then I put on my lipstick, pulled… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Would you mind a mind blindfold, a block on your imagination? You couldn’t create a fantasy world to live in, but you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to end my life by eating so much Viagra that I go out like that movie and Die Hard. If… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A car is a couch with wheels. My windshield wipers don’t work, so I’ve decided to stop watering my living room carpet.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some people try to change the world one life at a time. Others try to change the world one death at a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My mother-in-law got so angry at me she vowed she’d never speak to me again, and I smiled and gave thanks for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
