“I rolled up to his house, rolled up my sleeves, ate a Fruit Roll-Up, and left. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Not only did I not join, but now I can’t quit. I’m a nonmember for life.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I fill my life with speech, but not with people who are truly listening.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My life outlook isn’t cloudy. That’s just the weather report for the rest of my life.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Life, it’s made up of two things—time and love. A watch tells one, but what tells the other? We tell each other.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m the most expensive person in my life. Every day I pay for the poor decisions of my past.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If we were to kiss passionately for 30 minutes, would you refill my oxygen tank in the process?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To me, life is sad, like a piano with no pedals being played by a person with no fingers. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m going to spend a lifetime being me, so I’d better like who I am as a person. My clone better like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would tell you I hope you find what you seek in life, but your problem is you’re not looking. The only… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: If your face looked like your ass, and I’m not implying it doesn’t, would you consider invading Russia… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be an object to measure your life against. Are you square, rigid, and inflexible? If yes, are you in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m forced to shower in the closet, because my friend is wearing all my clothes, and he’s in the bathtub at the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Question for your life: Would you rather be the first female U.S. President, the first woman to walk on the moon, or… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I loved her so much, but she vanished from my life. She didn’t just suddenly disappear, but she slowly began losing her… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In my dream I was a seal, and I made love to a seagull. Then I got eaten by a shark, because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am not the No Factory I yessed into existence. I love with an intensity that needs to be felt to be… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I cleaned out my belly button last night, and I found the meaning of life. Gosh, I wonder how long it’s been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“And then she walked out of my life forever. Too bad she was hitchhiking. I should have picked her up.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Life is made up of now, and the past and the future are nothing more than inedible garnishes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I often feel like a camel in the mountains, and a goat in the desert. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve had 24 girlfriends in my life, and all of them occurred in the same two-day evening.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Who needs a large vocabulary when you can just make up any word at any time? It makes life a whole lot… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My cat’s name is Mr. Dog, and My penis’ name is Mr. Beaver. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve always wanted to make love to a triangle, but I’m always two angles short. Ah, but that’s life, no?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Life's too short to take yourself seriously, and too long to take a wife jokingly.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Death is the only equality guaranteed in life. A poor man will die just as surely as a rich man.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I were to come back in another life, I’d like to be reincarnated as my own clone.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To become one who believes two become one, you need love in your life.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to be like air. Invisible, yet everybody needs me in their life.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Not to be conceited, but I think I made a real impact on her life. And I was only driving 45 mph… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I live my life according to a code. You might know it by the surname Morse.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can throw an orange like a baseball, but I can’t eat a baseball like an orange. Let that be a life… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My next breath may very well be in your lungs. Store it wisely, because my life depends on it. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to express my condolences. I’m sorry to have to tell you I’m sorry, but that’s life, you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Life is is, while death is isn’t. Isn’t that also what you believe? Or is it what you believe?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I make love, I make a difference in at least one person’s life. (Limit one per purchase.)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
