My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Sex and death. Two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
What I do know about physics is that to a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
We knew the front door was always left open, but we broke in just to keep in practice. Doxy turned all the… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Umlaut snaps around and we cut to a blond apparition in her early twenties, clearly descended from Olympus by way of Hugh… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
People always ask me, Do you ever think you'll wake up one morning and not be funny? That thought would never occur… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Figures tell us there are already more people on earth than we need to move even the heaviest piano. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
You'll live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.” — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Sex is better than talk...Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause! — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I don't believe in an afterlife, but I'm taking an extra pair of underwear just in case. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Manute Bol is so skinny they save money on road trips. They just fax him from city to city. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
There's nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can't cure. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you take two negative points? — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue of Liberty. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Sygmnd was a poor Austrian who'd lost all the vowels in his name in a boating accident. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
“True, science has conquered many diseases, broken the genetic code, and even placed human beings on the moon, and yet when a man of… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
In every generation there are a few people who are authentically funny. The cosmetics change. You may not be able to articulate it, and… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I think Frank Capra was a much craftier filmmaker, a wonderful filmmaker. He had enormous technique, and he knew how to manipulate the public… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Gauguin flew into a frenzy! He held my head under the X-ray machine for ten straight minutes and for several hours after I could… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause! — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I enjoy the making of the film and it's something for me to do. If nobody ever comes to my films, if people don't… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
A stockbroker is someone who invests other people's money until it is all gone. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
Man cannot live by bread alone. Every once in awhile he needs a salad. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
All literature is a footnote to Faust. I have no idea what I mean by that. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
