In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded." — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.' — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
