Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
