The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four." — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and .… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote". — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
