It's weird because I grew up in this town, so the things I really dug, I was constantly around them. Like Alyssa… — Dante Basco Copy Share Image
It had never occurred to us that the Kremlin's new anti-booze campaign would apply to journalists. Now, that's a human-rights violation. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
“Shut. Up," June squealed. "You have a date with that guy?" She giggled and covered her mouth. "Shut up, shut up, shut… — Robin Benway Copy Share Image
“My family tree spreads wide as well. I am a great ape, and you are a great ape, and so are chimpanzees… — Katherine Applegate Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when youve already said what? three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just… — Kiara Sellars Copy Share Image
What's funny is I still, more than anything, get recognized for 'The Mighty Ducks.' I love it. When I was younger, I… — Elden Henson Copy Share Image
I secretly had this name 'Nancy and Beth' come into my mind, and I thought, 'Oh my God, that's such a funny,… — Megan Mullally Copy Share Image
“He went through the bills with the jaundiced eye of a China trader, asking himself not whether he had been stolen from,… — KJ Charles Copy Share Image
While looking for love I sent my pictures to the Lonely Hearts Club. The reply came back, We are not that lonely. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The first year I was on the show, it took an interviewer about 45 minutes to get it out of me that… — David Hyde Pierce Copy Share Image
I went to England to tell jokes, and I wanted to tell my Smokey the Bear joke, but I had to ask… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Without hurting anybody, we all tend to laugh at others' discomfort. When someone slips on a banana skin and falls it's funny. — Shahrukh Khan Copy Share Image
“Don't plead with anyone if you were not at fault, you'll only look inferior, stupid and funny, bolster your ego by doing… — Michael Bassey Johnson Copy Share Image
I got one that can throw but can't catch, and one that can catch but can't throw, and one who can hit… — Casey Stengel Copy Share Image
I don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You… — Adam Ferrara Copy Share Image
I love film, but it's funny going to drama school for three years, where you spend most of your time training for… — Tuppence Middleton Copy Share Image
So if all the parents tell their kids to be leaders and not followers what do we end up with? A bunch… — Rachel Copy Share Image
“Skulduggery." "Fletcher." Fletcher stuck out his hand. Skulduggery observed it for a moment. "I'm sorry, what are we doing now?" "Shaking hands,"… — Derek Landy Copy Share Image
“Whenever they are condemning weaves or breast implants, some people speak so passionately that their false teeth almost fall out.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
Working on 'Parks' was like heaven because everyone there was just intimidatingly intelligent and funny, and we would have these hilarious debates… — Chelsea Peretti Copy Share Image
“Johnny,the super,stares forward.His new tangerine hair half blinds me above a purple,leopard print shirt.I swing the door wide.“Come in,Johnny.”He eyes Fenris.“I think… — Julie Reece Copy Share Image
“That was very naughty,' Hawke chided, snatching the sword out of my hand as if I hadn't been holding onto it. 'You… — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
When WORDS fail, eyes speak. When eyes fail,HEART speaks. When HEART fails, nothing speaks they put cotton in the nose¦ — Sadie Copy Share Image
My mom never saw me funny, which is really sad. She was everything I wanted to be. She was gorgeous, magnetic, creative,… — Taylor Tomlinson Copy Share Image
“It dawned on him that he really could be a cop if he wanted to, and it dawned on him that he'd… — Doug Dorst Copy Share Image
I think funny is just the foundation. I don't really think, to some extent, funny is the absolute most important thing. It… — Robert Mankoff Copy Share Image
I'm a vegetarian, well I'm not hardcore because I eat meat, but only because I like the taste, and I hate vegetables… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“Shame upon him who can look on calmly, and exclaim, 'The foolish girl! she should have waited; she should have allowed time… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
So... I ended up crying because Justin Bieber's gonna be in my town on Oct. 9. my mom won't let me buy… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The casting-couch routine has been going on for ages, from top directors to the lowliest agents. I had to attend a meeting… — Mariette Hartley Copy Share Image
I had just finished working on a play, and we started to talk to the 'Happy Endings' folks. There was interest from… — James Wolk Copy Share Image
I always feel the most validated and confident being around people that I find funny - having Fred Armisen laugh at a… — Cecily Strong Copy Share Image
My father likes the oldies station, I wonder when I'm over 50 if the oldies station will play Lil Jon & the… — Devin Sanchez Copy Share Image
Baccarat is a game whereby the croupier gathers in money with a flexible sculling oar, then rakes it home. If I could… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
“How about a rain check?' She smiles, but I know it's not real because it doesn't crinkle her eyes. 'Sure. Some other… — Anna Banks Copy Share Image
Dear Crush, don't be scared if a fat guy in a red suit snatches you away on Christmas Eve. Sincerely, You Were… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
The Soviet Union at this time was being run by the Communists, a group of men fierce in their dedication to wearing… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
