I have issues with food and weight and I can make that funny. The audience loves it. I have fun with it. — John Pinette Copy Share Image
Conversation between me and my enemy…'DUDE I SAW U ON TV!!'...'REALLY MAN?! WHERE!!'…'ANIMAL PLANET'. :) — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl. — Sarah Silverman Copy Share Image
Don't worry if you're single. Godis looking at you right now saying I'm saving this one for someone special. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Isnt it funny, how the sweetest guy in the world can turn into the biggest jerk. — Dev Copy Share Image
I don't know why small chocolates are called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off. — Karl Pilkington Copy Share Image
MARRIAGE, A tradition which would suffer considerably if men had to pay the minister the same fee they will eventually have to… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Someone said to me at a party once, 'Oh, yeah, you're a comedian? Then how come you're not funny now?' And I… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
When people are funny, I like to let them know that they're funny. There's so much negativity, it's cool to get some… — Dolph Ziggler Copy Share Image
You didn't know she was crazy despite her propensity to carry on conversations with people who were not there? You didn't know… — Eugene Nathaniel Butler Copy Share Image
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today,… — Conan O'Brien Copy Share Image
I always laugh when I listen to my old stuff. I was just trying way too much back then. Doing too many… — Bryson Tiller Copy Share Image
“You say very funny things. I am sorry I can't say funny things back. This is not a funny time for me.” — Kurt Vonnegut Copy Share Image
Let us be enraged about injustice, but let us not be destroyed by it. — Bayard Rustin Copy Share Image
If you go to Bed Bath & Beyond without a coupon, people will wonder if you're OK. — John Pinette Copy Share Image
If you cant find the Any key on your laptop to continue try using a hammer a couple of times. — Paul Kityo Copy Share Image
I admit I feel funny when I use the word 'whom' as I'm talking to my diapered children, but I persist. — Faith Salie Copy Share Image
A day without newspapers is like walking around without your pants on. — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
Lets Plan For A Movie 2day R U Free? If Yes.. Tum Apne Tv Pe Dekho, Mein Apne Tv Pe Dekhunga — Mark Copy Share Image
I've learned that no matter how much I care,some people are just assholes. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Remove failure as an option and your chances for success become infinitely better. — Joan Lunden Copy Share Image
No matter how old you are, if a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die. — Melania Copy Share Image
The Worst Pain In Life Is When Someone You Know Turns Into Someone You Knew.. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If Tumblr and Twitter were school subjects, my parents would love me. — Jenni Monroe Copy Share Image
It's very funny to see a Justin Bieber song done by a bunch of grown men. — Shawn Stockman Copy Share Image
“Even her pink bunny slippers seem to prick up their ears. Diary of a Penguin-napper (p. 15)” — Sally Harris Copy Share Image
My creativity comes from an unhoned place, if 'unhoned' is a word… — Monica Lewinsky Copy Share Image
Oh, I could spend my life having this conversation - look - please try to understand before one of us dies — John Cleese Copy Share Image
