“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck” — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If he's being honest, half the reason he studied politics in college was because he liked the drama.” — Austin Chant Copy Share Image
“Give me down. And give me the Polaroids of the fifty geese that had to die in the process.” — Augusten Burroughs Copy Share Image
I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day. — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon. — Steel City News Copy Share Image
I would like to explore comedy, I want to do more theatre, and I definitely want a future in film. I love… — Jessica Raine Copy Share Image
The best comedy is truthful. So if you say something in a way that is amusing, but is rooted in truth, you… — Randy Rainbow Copy Share Image
“You are the best gift that I receive from God, and you are the Best reason to live in this world. I… — Jervin Balmedino Copy Share Image
“Have you been walking in the woods in the last few days?" Matt asked. Lola cleared her throat anxiously. What had she… — Bonnie J. James Copy Share Image
I started to do a study on how not to do stand-up comedy. Yeah, it's lonely work. You die, you die alone.… — Jim Varney Copy Share Image
“By the 1920s if you wanted to work behind a lunch counter you needed to know that 'Noah's boy' was a slice… — Bill Bryson Copy Share Image
“I know I only want him,' she said between sobs, the syllables all wrong, 'because he doesn't want me . How is… — Olivia Sudjic Copy Share Image
You guessed? You must have been pretty sure, considering you could have killed me." "I was ninety percent sure." "I see," Clary… — Cassandra Clare Copy Share Image
“Being photographed was dead time for the soul. Can the head think, while it does the same half smile under the same… — Martin Amis Copy Share Image
“Sit your ass down, Don Juanabe," Derek said. "Don Juanabe?" Ascanio pulled out his swords. "Don Juan Wannabe," Derek explained. "See I… — Ilona Andrews Copy Share Image
I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians,… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
An aphorism and its author aren't joined by a dash, but separated by it. — John Alejandro King Copy Share Image
“I was right. Mrs. Patterson is neat and organized. She cannot be trusted.” — Matthew Dicks Copy Share Image
I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell? — Andy Warhol Copy Share Image
“Dipsomancy is very real, but it takes more than just getting hammered to do anything useful.” — Michael R. Underwood Copy Share Image
Once you have heard a strange audience burst into laughter at a film you directed, you realize what the word joy is… — Chuck Jones Copy Share Image
“...Next thing I know you've run off to Paris and thrown yourself under the nearest Frenchman-” — Nicholls David Copy Share Image
I'm just drawing you a map...so that when I tell you to go to hell, you will know exactly where to go! — Niick Copy Share Image
Comedy is this weird thing. You have no idea why certain things work and other things don't work. — Bill Hader Copy Share Image
“If you lie there much longer, I’ll be tempted to tie you to the table legs and try buttering your ass instead… — Cari Silverwood Copy Share Image
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.” — Martin Mull Copy Share Image
I've never done a period piece or a comedy, and that could be something truly different for me. — Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu Copy Share Image
“And that was when I said 'Henry, the placement of the comma depends on whether 'I ate grandmother' or 'I ate, grandmother'.” — Mia Castile Copy Share Image
I believe I am God's favorite comedian. I think he is a really big comedy writer. He writes scripts. And I just… — Corey Feldman Copy Share Image
Personally, I'm a fan of comedy movies that I can watch with my friends and family. — Kartik Aaryan Copy Share Image
With humor, it’s so subjective that trying to think of what the ideal reader would think would drive you crazy. — Calvin Trillin Copy Share Image
Speak in French when you can’t think of the English for a thing-- turn your toes out when you walk--- And remember… — Lewis Carroll Copy Share Image
I consider myself to be doing comedy in a post-Jon Stewart world to a certain extent. — Adam Conover Copy Share Image
“I try to get something done, but then give up a few seconds later since it is too hard.” — Samuel Taber Copy Share Image
I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy. — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
Michael Pollan is a champion. In all ways. A man of great integrity, humor, and common sense and kindness. — Maira Kalman Copy Share Image
I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
For comedy reasons, any place we can have really big egos and very high stakes is a great thing to go for. — Megan Ganz Copy Share Image
“Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!” Dee shrieked. “My eyes!” — Jennifer L. Armentrout Copy Share Image
“When you say, “I’m just gonna think about God,” what are you thinking about?” — Art Hochberg Copy Share Image
