Humor Quotes · Page 414

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

— Anonymous

I would say, when it comes to comedy, I think Matthew Broderick was great.

— Roland Emmerich

Comedy is a passion but I don't know if I a am funny enough to make a living out of.

— George Groves

“What a goon, except it really is funny, me trying to sneeze a hot dog through my nose, and we're both laughing…

— Rodman Philbrick

“Tad socked him. Hard. Twice. Someday the bad guys would realize monologues were a bad thing.”

— Vivian Arend

“You don’t always have to say what’s on your mind. You can keep it to yourself for the time being. That’s called…

— Art Hochberg

I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what…

— Bill Bailey

“My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.'-Jace 'Just break the door down, will…

— Cassandra Clare

“Well aware that to bring the voice of sober reason to bear upon the exaggerations of agitated females was both fruitless and…

— Georgette Heyer

“Ed began explaining this Yo La Tengo thing, how he was listening to a record of theirs, on vinyl he emphasized, and…

— Catherine Lacey

One is a young, pockmarked wiseacre with a smirk that won't quit, the other an aging but still gorgeous leading man with…

— Joy Horowitz

“I’ve always wondered though,” Orn mused aloud, “what does God need with a starship?” “Are you going to make that stupid quip…

— Sabrina Zbasnik

“Exceptional estimable, good, nice, dear people they all were but they all, unluckily, kept asking me about the new novel, and that…

— Robert Walser

I talked about everything, man. I've always written material that everyone can laugh at. I talked about growing up. I did a…

— J. B. Smoove

“You know you're in the wrong century when you farble the poor young woman at the cosmetics counter thus: "Why do they…

— Tinney S. Heath

“Hampden College, as a body, was always strangely prone to hysteria. Whether from isolation, malice, or simple boredom, people there were far…

— Donna Tartt

Give an average baby a fair chance, and if it doesn't do something it oughtn't to a doctor should be called in…

— Jerome K. Jerome

“Awesome . . .” Jared spoke up from the other side of the room. “Ember, the Otherworld's wonder mutt.”

— Stacey Marie Brown

You're so old... there weren't History classes in school, they were called Current Events!!

— Glenn Huskey

“...our witness, one Edward Littleton, was as gay as Elton John's handbag.”

— Ann Somerville

I think the best comedy enlightens, informs, and changes the way people look at the world.

— Adam Conover

I take my 'Star Wars' quite seriously. There's humor in the movie, but as a fan I just wanted it to feel…

— Gareth Edwards

“You can’t really have patience. You can be patient – if that’s what’s up for you.”

— Art Hochberg

“Her red hair seemed to turn into flames of fire, and smoke billowed through each ear.”

— Elle Klass

From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!

— Russell Howard

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

— Dave Attell

I think that a big part of comedy is being made fun of, and it is looking silly or looking stupid.

— Alison Brie

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.

— Frankie Boyle

“Seriously. Poor little me can deal with having mated a millionaire.” “Oh, you found someone else? With less money?”

— Vivian Arend

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

— Doug Stanhope

“The only way to be completely self-consistent is to be constantly uttering paradoxes.”

— Bauvard

The typical old-fashioned diet (in the nineteenth century) was so bad it almost assembled modern dieting.

— P. J. O'Rourke

“I have never had to be brave. Bravery is for parents and people who get tattoos in another language or dare to…

— Scaachi Koul

“If we accept the unacceptable today, what's the outlook for tomorrow going to be?”

— George Booth

I cannot recall a more engaging passage in fiction, and I've been trying for almost eighteen seconds.

— S. J. Perelman

“Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year.”

— Derek The Ghost

So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install, a…

— Roald Dahl

I bet MySpace and Google+ are in a bar somewhere, drinking away their sorrows.

— Anonymous

I have no desire to get on a soapbox or be preachy. I don't think comedy needs to be 'brave' or 'important.'

— Chris Gethard

Tact: the ability to tell a man he's open-minded when he has a hole in his head.

— F G Kernan