Bill Bailey

I quite like confounding people's expectations.

— Bill Bailey

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

— Bill Bailey

Having a break from comedy is quite good.

— Bill Bailey

The Lib Dems are such terrible ditherers.

— Bill Bailey

London is a great place to be over Christmas.

— Bill Bailey

This shed does not contain me.

— Bill Bailey

Thank God for Darwin, eh?

— Bill Bailey

The Dutch do have a slightly odd sense of humour.

— Bill Bailey

It's been Bill for so long people think my name is William, but it's not, it's Mark.

— Bill Bailey

My earliest memory is feeling soil between my fingers when I was around three years old.

— Bill Bailey

My mother was a classic matriarchal figure. She'd sing round the house and always had music on.

— Bill Bailey

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

— Bill Bailey

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.

— Bill Bailey

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.

— Bill Bailey

We live in the age of entitlement, as opposed to enlightenment.

— Bill Bailey

I've always been envious of certainty, of people who always seemed to have a plan for their lives.

— Bill Bailey

I met Amy Winehouse a few times and she was always funny, charming and self-deprecating - just a delight to be around.

— Bill Bailey

I hate all those celebrity sculptures like Tussauds, where everyone is dressed in spangly suits and they are all smiling.

— Bill Bailey

My grandparents would have big, long arguments that were entertaining and that's where I first noticed, and was thrilled by, political discourse.

— Bill Bailey

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's…

— Bill Bailey

I didn't have any brothers or sisters, so I did a lot of stuff where I entertained myself playing games, reading a…

— Bill Bailey

Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a…

— Bill Bailey

I think people are quite refreshed with politicians who aren't concerned with what Arctic Monkeys track they like, but with the day-to-day,…

— Bill Bailey

We are almost in a time beyond jokes, beyond satire. When the Trump era is called the 'post-truth' period, then this is…

— Bill Bailey

The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have…

— Bill Bailey

Comedy is an indoors thing, so I take every opportunity to go outside. A lot of that involves finding places that are…

— Bill Bailey

There was an existential moment - I don't know if I want to call it crisis - when I turned 50 and…

— Bill Bailey

Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of…

— Bill Bailey

I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of…

— Bill Bailey

I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro... to catch whatever it is that's…

— Bill Bailey

The worst thing is when people try and take pictures surreptitiously. I always say, 'Look, you can ask me for a photograph.…

— Bill Bailey

At yoga you get some sense of spiritual space so that people don't intrude. You can go there and close your eyes…

— Bill Bailey

You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order…

— Bill Bailey

The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant…

— Bill Bailey

I have sold stuff door-to-door, but not doors.

— Bill Bailey

I love to watch birds and wildlife.

— Bill Bailey

I have anti-establishment hair.

— Bill Bailey

Nostalgia: How long's that been around?

— Bill Bailey

I get a lot of nutters in my audiences.

— Bill Bailey

Work hard, save and live within your means.

— Bill Bailey