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Funny Quotes by Bill Bailey

55 Funny quotes by Bill Bailey

All Funny quotes Bill Bailey’s page

Bill Bailey compares trying to like something to being smacked by a piece of IKEA furniture – painful but oddly impressive. He jokes that three blind mice in a pub are unaware of their surroundings, making any humor about them feel exploitative. He also pokes fun at history, noting that even a vegetarian Hitler shows how extreme ideas can lead to terrible outcomes.

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Thank God for Darwin, eh?

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This shed does not contain me.

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I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

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Nostalgia: How long's that been around?

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I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

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I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they.

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Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.

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Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!!

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Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently.

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A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

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Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

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I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.

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I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad,…

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I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people's doors and running…

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The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.

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Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk.…

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I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what…

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My first job was selling doors, door to door. That's a tough job isn't it? Bing Bong; Hello, can I interest you…

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Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard

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"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?

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I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say…

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Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually…

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That ideology was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs: The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer…

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A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the…

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Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of…

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I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro... to catch whatever it is that's…

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Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries…

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Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a…

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You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order…

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The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant…

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There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

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But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

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It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.

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American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.

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There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.

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I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.

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People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'

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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.

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“I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!”

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More by Bill Bailey

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but…

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

I did a show in this tiny town called Longyearbyen. We went snowmobiling around Svalbard and saw Arctic foxes, snow bunting, polar bear footprints…

I hate getting ill, it irritates me so I try to stay reasonably healthy.

Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

There is something very poignant about plastic bags. These lonely plastic bags that gradually disintegrate.

At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment…

I am pretty laid-back as a parent, but I do like a lot of activity. So I am constantly suggesting things to do that…

Work hard, save and live within your means.

There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

I don't think any comic could say there isn't a bit of them that doesn't want to show off.

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!!

You spend a lot more time on your own as an only child. And there's space to allow your imagination to take flight.

Nostalgia: How long's that been around?

My mother was a classic matriarchal figure. She'd sing round the house and always had music on.