Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders. — Dave Attell Court Copy Share Image
For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family. — Dave Attell Comic Copy Share Image
Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off… — Dave Attell Jeopardy Copy Share Image
There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about. — Dave Attell Fun Copy Share Image
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's… — Dave Attell Baby Copy Share Image
Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I'll tell you why: it's cuz of… — Dave Attell Animal Copy Share Image
“I found a gray hair on one of my testicles today. No, it wasn't mine, but it's frightening.” — Dave Attell Frightening Copy Share Image
The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with… — Dave Attell Chance Copy Share Image
A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the… — Dave Attell Cry Copy Share Image
I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories… — Dave Attell Age Copy Share Image
For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean,… — Dave Attell Baby Copy Share Image
You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
This one guy, the worst guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay.… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Capital punishment, that thing scares me, it really does. I was talking to my friend about the electric chair, and he starts… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What… — Dave Attell Alcohol Copy Share Image
I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that. — Dave Attell Astronomy Copy Share Image
