Dave Attell

Jesse Joyce is a great writer.

— Dave Attell

Being on the road is kind of lonely.

— Dave Attell

I'm not really a music guy.

— Dave Attell

I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.

— Dave Attell

I never wanted to be famous.

— Dave Attell

I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.

— Dave Attell

I have no grand scheme.

— Dave Attell

Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

— Dave Attell

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

— Dave Attell

I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.

— Dave Attell

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.

— Dave Attell

Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.

— Dave Attell

I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show.

— Dave Attell

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

— Dave Attell

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.

— Dave Attell

When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.

— Dave Attell

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

— Dave Attell

Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick…

— Dave Attell

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

— Dave Attell

I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.

— Dave Attell

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.

— Dave Attell

You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up,…

— Dave Attell

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people he cops. But you know, sometimes, you've just…

— Dave Attell

Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.

— Dave Attell

Sometimes. I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous. I'm pretty low on the showbiz totem pole - I mean,…

— Dave Attell

I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories…

— Dave Attell

For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don't…

— Dave Attell

A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to…

— Dave Attell

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you…

— Dave Attell

It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the…

— Dave Attell

The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with…

— Dave Attell

Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump…

— Dave Attell

Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What…

— Dave Attell

This one guy, the worst guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like…

— Dave Attell

I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay.…

— Dave Attell

Capital punishment, that thing scares me, it really does. I was talking to my friend about the electric chair, and he starts…

— Dave Attell

I'm not like a performer type.

— Dave Attell

I don't watch reality TV. I'm cool.

— Dave Attell

I don't watch reality TV.

— Dave Attell

I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.

— Dave Attell