You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had? — Dave Attell Comedy Copy Share Image
Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man. — Dave Attell Beautiful Copy Share Image
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much… — Dave Attell Actors Copy Share Image
What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them,… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? 'Damn I got to get the hell… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could… — Dave Attell Comedy Copy Share Image
I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A… — Dave Attell Book Copy Share Image
I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin! — Dave Attell Girl Copy Share Image
You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you… — Dave Attell Animal Copy Share Image
“I found a gray hair one of my testicles the today. No, it wasn't mine, but it's frightening.” — Dave Attell Frightening Copy Share Image
Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us. — Dave Attell Animal Copy Share Image
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise… — Dave Attell Birthday Copy Share Image
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book. — Dave Attell Book Copy Share Image
