I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family. — Dave Attell Comic Copy Share Image
For me, Molly Hatchet is high school. It makes me feel like I have hair and a future. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders. — Dave Attell Court Copy Share Image
The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down! — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what… — Dave Attell Comedy Copy Share Image
If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy… — Dave Attell Baby Copy Share Image
I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like… — Dave Attell Comic Copy Share Image
Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I'll tell you why: it's cuz of… — Dave Attell Animal Copy Share Image
My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's… — Dave Attell Baby Copy Share Image
“I found a gray hair on one of my testicles today. No, it wasn't mine, but it's frightening.” — Dave Attell Frightening Copy Share Image
A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
There's a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on, ... I've heard good stories about (Syracuse); this is… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best… — Dave Attell Best friend Copy Share Image
Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno! — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend. — Dave Attell Discovery Copy Share Image
I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me. — Dave Attell Forgiveness Copy Share Image
I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but… — Dave Attell Doggy Copy Share Image
I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes. — Dave Attell Comedy Copy Share Image
I have a lot of pot tendencies. I'm always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off… — Dave Attell Jeopardy Copy Share Image
There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about. — Dave Attell Fun Copy Share Image
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind. — Dave Attell Boys Copy Share Image
