Doug Stanhope

Get the right to marry - and then don't.

— Doug Stanhope

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

— Doug Stanhope

Sex is free fun for poor people.

— Doug Stanhope

That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.

— Doug Stanhope

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.

— Doug Stanhope

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.

— Doug Stanhope

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.

— Doug Stanhope

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

— Doug Stanhope

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

— Doug Stanhope

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that?…

— Doug Stanhope

I'm forty four; I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.

— Doug Stanhope

When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.

— Doug Stanhope

I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.

— Doug Stanhope

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

— Doug Stanhope

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?

— Doug Stanhope

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

— Doug Stanhope

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even…

— Doug Stanhope

You never hear in the news, 'Two hundred killed today when atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the agnostic stronghold in the…

— Doug Stanhope

I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me…

— Doug Stanhope

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?

— Doug Stanhope

“I kept a picture of me kissing my dad’s corpse on the forehead in my wallet for years. I’d break it out…

— Doug Stanhope

Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink…

— Doug Stanhope

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of…

— Doug Stanhope

You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.

— Doug Stanhope

If I were money-motivated, I would spread insidious lies that marijuana is dangerous and addictive and leads to dancing with white women,…

— Doug Stanhope

I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in…

— Doug Stanhope

We must not suppose that, because a man is a rational animal, he will, therefore, always act rationally; or, because he has…

— Doug Stanhope

I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did…

— Doug Stanhope

I don't like being in the UK for every other reason aside from the show. It's aesthetically uncomfortable to me on almost…

— Doug Stanhope

Comedy is like music; it builds on itself. Once someone comes up with a theory or a different way of doing things,…

— Doug Stanhope

I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50…

— Doug Stanhope

Controversial issues are always more interesting but I don't create material about a subject I have opinion on just because it's controversial.…

— Doug Stanhope

“I watched 60 Minutes...and they showed this woman, she's in every kind of..thing like that. 'This woman', they say, 'she lost her…

— Doug Stanhope

“You can never really, truly, understand discrimination unless you've been fuckin' ugly. Ugly people face as much, or more, discrimination than any…

— Doug Stanhope

“I really don't like art with a message, unless the message is crystal clear. If you have a message that really needs…

— Doug Stanhope

Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism.

— Doug Stanhope

I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.

— Doug Stanhope

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.

— Doug Stanhope

Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.

— Doug Stanhope

I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.

— Doug Stanhope