Humor Quotes by Doug Stanhope

In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.

— Doug Stanhope

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.

— Doug Stanhope

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

— Doug Stanhope

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

— Doug Stanhope

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

— Doug Stanhope

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

— Doug Stanhope

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.

— Doug Stanhope

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

— Doug Stanhope

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

— Doug Stanhope

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really…

— Doug Stanhope

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

— Doug Stanhope

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

— Doug Stanhope

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get…

— Doug Stanhope

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

— Doug Stanhope

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

— Doug Stanhope

“Some of the best nights in your life will never make it onto your Wikipedia page. Stop worrying about your credits and…

— Doug Stanhope

I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says…

— Doug Stanhope

I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But…

— Doug Stanhope

Comedy is like music; it builds on itself. Once someone comes up with a theory or a different way of doing things,…

— Doug Stanhope

I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did…

— Doug Stanhope

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of…

— Doug Stanhope

Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, Im…

— Doug Stanhope

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a…

— Doug Stanhope

Nothing against comedy clubs, they work. But when you're sitting with a tablecloth and a candle and an appetizer menu, three-drink minimum,…

— Doug Stanhope

“Artist communities love to bullshit each other and glad-hand one another, and there's no room for the crippling honesty of comedy. "I'm…

— Doug Stanhope

The fact is that really no comedian sets out to offend you. Some comics enjoy the challenge of taking a subject that…

— Doug Stanhope

The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't…

— Doug Stanhope

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

— Doug Stanhope

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

— Doug Stanhope

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

— Doug Stanhope

My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to…

— Doug Stanhope

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

— Doug Stanhope

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

— Doug Stanhope

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month…

— Doug Stanhope

The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club…

— Doug Stanhope

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to…

— Doug Stanhope

What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't…

— Doug Stanhope

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if…

— Doug Stanhope

I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But…

— Doug Stanhope

There's a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from…

— Doug Stanhope