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People Quotes by Doug Stanhope

43 People quotes by Doug Stanhope

All People quotes Doug Stanhope’s page

People are described in blunt, funny ways. One quote says the speaker avoids parties with violent people, while another mocks the idea of shouting extreme slogans just to confuse crowds. He also jokes about his own failed revolution and about feeling like a fraud for not using marijuana.

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I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.

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Sex is free fun for poor people.

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People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I…

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I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

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Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

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Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met

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Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.

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Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

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Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

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I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

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There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really…

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I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, 'Gay pride, white power!' just to confuse people.

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You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; it would be different if it was your own child.…

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If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get…

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My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people…

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Canada, the drinking age is 18, that's unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives…

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It is a great advantage for any man to be able to talk or hear, neither ignorantly nor absurdly, upon any subject;…

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Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there…

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I don't have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there's really nothing you can do…

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People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to…

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Comedy is like music; it builds on itself. Once someone comes up with a theory or a different way of doing things,…

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I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50…

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The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't…

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I recommend to you, in my last, an innocent piece of art: that of flattering people behind their backs, in presence of…

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Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don't want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual,…

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I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the…

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“I watched 60 Minutes...and they showed this woman, she's in every kind of..thing like that. 'This woman', they say, 'she lost her…

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Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.

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If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second…

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At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

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People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.

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Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.

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People hate people just cause they want someone different to hate.

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People want an idol. They want royalty. They don't want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and…

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I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show…

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I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never…

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The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the…

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Abject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust. But a modest assertion of one's own…

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"Close your mouth when you chew." That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by…

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As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna…

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More by Doug Stanhope

I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im…

They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to…

The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying:…

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

The whole acting and Hollywood [thing], it's just work to me. Stand-up comedy ruins you so badly for doing television. I don't really need…

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.

Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four…

You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.

Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.

The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.