“By the way, don’t you think shoving a light bulb up baby Jesus’ butt and plugging it in is just a little… — Dana Marie Bell Copy Share Image
The Phillies beat the Cubs today in a doubleheader. That puts another keg in the Cubs' coffin. — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
In everyday life, I use positive thoughts, sense of humor, Taekwondo, running, and yoga to make me stronger. — Pom Klementieff Copy Share Image
“And a beautiful garden, not far from a beautiful lake, and I said it sounded perfectly perfect.” — Vladimir Nabokov Copy Share Image
I want to be a three-dimensional actor, excelling in comedy, negative roles and even serious roles. — Rajpal Yadav Copy Share Image
“I usually avoided any form of getting ready on Saturdays-the process just took away from the magic of being lazy.” — Shannen Crane Camp Copy Share Image
I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly. — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
“I don't do relationships because I don't want to love and lose myself.” — J.C. Reed Copy Share Image
Writing a novel is one of those modern rites of passage, I think, that lead us from an innocent world of contentment,… — J. G. Ballard Copy Share Image
“The whole gay thing. You know, I’ve been doing some research about that.” Uh-oh. “Have you?” “Yes.” I wait, but he just… — T.J. Klune Copy Share Image
I did a 'Last Comic Standing' audition in 2006, where you're just performing for three people in a comedy club, in a… — Hannibal Buress Copy Share Image
“I leaned against Brent, resting my forehead against his cheek, but jerked back. "Brent you're hot." Brent grinned lazily and puffed up… — Lani Woodland Copy Share Image
Obama's got a great sense of humor, but mainly he has a great thinking presence, which is uncommon. It's hard to imagine… — Roy Blount, Jr Copy Share Image
“She believed being so free with her sexuality was empowering, but I wouldn't say taking home a douchebag who would laugh about… — Teresa Lo Copy Share Image
“The Butcher of Babylon featured in over 500 porn films between 1974 and 1982, and was best known for his motto: Come… — Mark Jackman Copy Share Image
“If farmer doesn't have a fertile land then there is no hope for cultivation, as a man if you don't have a… — Bikash_Rush Copy Share Image
Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely?' — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
The grass isn't always greener on the other side. It's greener where you water it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
A laugh is a surprise. And all humor is physical. I was always athletic, so that came naturally to me. — Chevy Chase Copy Share Image
A team that is always fun with witty sense of humor. We help each other around a lot and help push each… — Min Copy Share Image
We're a comedy site and have made fun of every single race, religion, creed and gender. We've made fun of it equally. — Dave Portnoy Copy Share Image
Next to being witty, the best thing is being able to quote another's wit. — Christian Nestell Bovee Copy Share Image
“The cybernetic operation?" "No, the sex change." The doctor's smile faltered. "I'm joking.” — Marissa Meyer Copy Share Image
“Live by the three 'F' rule: If they don't fuck you, feed you or finance you, they don't matter. - Maya Josephs,… — Celia Kyle Copy Share Image
“Nobody wants to be themselves. That's why there's TV. So you know what to want and who to be.” — Libba Bray Copy Share Image
The goal of almost every comic is to find a comedy voice - a specific point of view that an audience can… — Chris Hardwick Copy Share Image
I love everybody like I love my family: with pain, rage, random devotion, guilt, humor & tenderness. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
No new sect ever had humor; no disciples either, even the disciples of Christ. — Anne Morrow Lindbergh Copy Share Image
“You can't lead when you have not been loaded with the skills of immagination.” — oladosu feyikogbon Copy Share Image
“Hi honey, I’m home! Take your pants off!” Wesley announced. He kissed my cheek as he passed me and put his lunch… — J.M. Colail Copy Share Image
“Our friend Dirac has a creed; and the main tenet of that creed is: There is no God, and Dirac is his… — Wolfgang Pauli Copy Share Image
Last night, my wife asked if I could make a dinner for a change. I'm glad she has such a good sense… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
If you’ve got the comedy eye, you can look at any situation and see the humor in it while others don’t. — Garry Marshall Copy Share Image
The Common Law of England has been laboriously built about a mythical figure-the figure of 'The Reasonable Man'. — A. P. Herbert Copy Share Image
Man:Why dont you come home with me. Girl:No.I don't think so. Man:Don't worry.I knew your sister. Girl:Yeah.That's why she got pregnant,Bitch. — Jessica Sears Copy Share Image
I heard you're good in algebra, can you replace my 'X' without asking 'Y?' — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“We thought the fireworks were marvelous,” said Mort. “And I expect they'll soon be able to rebuild the outer wall.” — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
“Melted cheese is a culinary veil...a foxhole where mediocrity can hide.” — Alissa Nutting Copy Share Image
There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want… — George Burns Copy Share Image
