George Burns

Be quick to learn and wise to know.

— George Burns

Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.

— George Burns

Young. Old. Just Words.

— George Burns

At my age flowers scare me.

— George Burns

Say Goodnight Gracie.

— George Burns

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

— George Burns

Life's but a day at most.

— George Burns

How can I die? I'm booked.

— George Burns

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

— George Burns

Sex can be fun after eighty, after ninety, and after lunch!

— George Burns

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

— George Burns

“Sincerity - if you can fake that, you've got it made.”

— George Burns

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

— George Burns

A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn't started yet.

— George Burns

Joy is obtaining a big, loving, caring shut-knit household in yet another town.

— George Burns

If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it.

— George Burns

None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother…

— George Burns

I worried about playing God (in the movie Oh God). We're about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.

— George Burns

And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't…

— George Burns

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

— George Burns

A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.

— George Burns

Its better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hat!

— George Burns

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

— George Burns

It's better to be happy doing something you love, even if you don't find success right away.

— George Burns

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I…

— George Burns

When I wasn't working, I put the blame directly where it belonged - I blamed my agent. When I didn't have an…

— George Burns

Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just…

— George Burns

In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought…

— George Burns

Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your…

— George Burns

At home we ate fish every Friday, as Catholics were then supposed to do. Being Jewish, I compromised. I wore a hat…

— George Burns

Since I've made it to 87 so far, obviously my two kids and my seven grandchildren haven't been too hard on me.…

— George Burns

I'm onstage for an hour.I do an hour of stand-up. Actually, I do 10 minutes standing up and 50 minutes sitting in…

— George Burns

Lots of people have asked me what Gracie and I did to make our marriage work. It's simple - we don't do…

— George Burns

Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking…

— George Burns

I get a standing ovation just standing

— George Burns

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

— George Burns

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

— George Burns

If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

— George Burns

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.

— George Burns

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

— George Burns