Humor Quotes · Page 378

When I grew up in Kansas, I was always getting in trouble for my blue sense of humor.

— Bridget Everett

Whoever keeps his mouth shut when he realizes that he is wrong is wise and he who holds the mouth even if…

— Vikrant Parsai

In real life, people in the most dire situations must cope through humor.

— Tina Fey

“Far be it from me to keep a woman from her book. That could become dangerous.”

— Elizabeth Hunter

“The beginning of forgiveness is often exhaustion. You're pooped; thank God.”

— Anne Lamott

Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.

— Jim Gaffigan

[Eric:] "I'm hoping that the more you see me, the more I'll grow on you." [Sookie:] "Like a fungus?

— Charlaine Harris

You get your cards, place your bets, and play the best game you can. The House always wins.

— Rock Cowles

“New Rule: Designers of women's Halloween costumes must admit that they're not even trying. They just choose a random profession, like nurse…

— Bill Maher

I believe in accepting whatever life offers with a laugh. So if things are dark and terrible, I try to find the…

— Shenaz Treasury

“Actually, I was the very lowest ranked member of the crew. I would only be “in command” if I were the only…

— Andy Weir

“I've always been a fan of science fiction. I grew up watching Star Trek. Now I get to live it!" "Star Trek?"…

— Andy Weir

The thing about humour is that the super-ego is also at play, so what interested me, particularly in the last chapter which…

— Simon Critchley

It's often the way that people who take their work seriously laugh at stupid jokes; it's as if they are under-humored and,…

— Nick Hornby

“The barber ran to the broken window, and saw Gavroche, who was running with all his might towards the Saint Jean market.…

— Victor Hugo

“Darwin let his nervous face relax into a smile. "No, Your Majesty. I have no aspirations to your throne, but I make…

— Amber Kell

“New Rule: You don't have to put the cap back on the bottled water after every sip. It's water, not a genie.”

— Bill Maher

“He tossed the deck to David. 'You get first deal.' 'I've got one hand.' 'Right, then. Deal those cards, Max, and let's…

— Henry H. Neff

“Planning to be a seducer was difficult enough. Talking about it with the seducee would be impossible.”

— Lori Foster

“I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out of me with steel pipes.”

— Patton Oswalt

“Learning the difference between God's intervention, the devil's mischief, and PMS can lead to increased happiness.”

— JP Galuska

“We pass Tinsley's Fried Chicken with the big sign that reads, TRY OUR BIG, JUICY BREASTS.”

— Donna Cooner

“Also, she wasn't a fan of being scared, and it had to be petrifying to love someone more than yourself.”

— Courtney Maum

“It's fun telling you tall Texas tales. You always look like a little girl who's hearing Cinderella for the first time.”

— Edna Ferber

Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.

— Jim Gaffigan

“What's on the inside, beneath that sugar? Is it a bug? Is it a booger?”

— Anonymous

“It will never be all that I want it to be… But it is always twice what I expected.”

— James Qualls

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

— Mitch Hedberg

Nobody with any real sense of humor *can* write a love story. . . . Shakespeare is the exception that proves the rule. (90-91)

— Anonymous

Some people come up to me and say "You know, in Italy, it's pronounced Ber-beel-lia" And I say "Well, here in America,…

— Mike Birbiglia

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

— Henny Youngman

“Welcome to Shelter Bay,' he said to Stig. 'Is that what it's called?' Hal gave him a tired grin. 'It is now'.”

— John Flanagan

This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers.

— Dave Barry

The naive was only a part of my fairy tales; humor was the real salt in them.

— Hans Christian Andersen

Craig Sager's amazing attitude was truly inspirational. He was a champion during his battle, fighting every day with grace and humor.

— Monty Williams

“Each morning they came around, three brisk and serious men with efficient mouths and inefficient eyes...”

— Joseph Heller

“There seems to be no lengths to which humorless people will not go to analyze humor. It seems to worry them." Robert…

— Robert Benchley

I know every day is a gift, but where's the receipt for Mondays? I want to exchange it for another Friday.

— Anonymous

“It may not seem like much, but grand theft auto is still a pretty serious offense.”

— Elle Todd

“I am in a ridiculous humour,' quoth Eugene; 'I am a ridiculous fellow. Everything is ridiculous. Come along!”

— Charles Dickens