Patton Oswalt

I'm not familiar with the metric system.

— Patton Oswalt

I hate all sidekicks.

— Patton Oswalt

Knowing comedy is knowing human nature.

— Patton Oswalt

If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

— Patton Oswalt

“Its gaze unlocked a room in my nightmares which should have remained closed.”

— Patton Oswalt

I can't say that I ever abided nerd stereotypes: I was never alone or felt outcast.

— Patton Oswalt

Meal isn't over when I'm full. Meal's over when I hate myself.

— Patton Oswalt

You just do as many shows as you can to hone what it is you're working on.

— Patton Oswalt

I like to write, I like to do stand-up, I like to act.

— Patton Oswalt

I think right now is the best time for stand-up, ever. I sincerely do.

— Patton Oswalt

“He smelled like carpeting, Scotch tape, and steak sauce.”

— Patton Oswalt

As much as I know people love the method and what you can draw out of yourself, a lot of acting is…

— Patton Oswalt

I mean, all alternative comedy is are comedians that have being doing it for so long, for so long, that they were…

— Patton Oswalt

I really had to imagine the kind of person that I would have been if I had never left my hometown. I…

— Patton Oswalt

I don't want to get into extended conversations with people on MySpace, because there are friends I have extended conversations with every…

— Patton Oswalt

I mean, the death in the late eighties and early nineties really shook out a lot of hacks. The pond just sort…

— Patton Oswalt

The Kentucky Fried Chicken corporation made a bobble head of me and sent it to my management. No card, nothing.

— Patton Oswalt

The process is to me is going onstage night after night after night after night until I get a new hour. And…

— Patton Oswalt

You have to be ruthless with yourself, in terms of being honest about what is working and what is not.

— Patton Oswalt

Every audience is different, even within the same venue. You have to just make every audience your audience; you can't pre-judge an…

— Patton Oswalt

Before doing my first open mic, I was sitting in the back watching all these comedians banter back and forth and fire…

— Patton Oswalt

Somebody is going to find a way digitally that is just as innovative. In the end, the tools can change, but there…

— Patton Oswalt

One of my groupies gave me a film that they made, and it ended up being amazing, so I got it shown…

— Patton Oswalt

If I were to just focus on stand-up, I could actually, paradoxically enough, be home way more, because I would leave on…

— Patton Oswalt

“During the "first Thanksgiving" at Plymouth, Wampanoag Indians - including a Patuxet Indian named Squanto - helped teach Pilgrims how to farm,…

— Patton Oswalt

As you get older, as a comedian, and keep doing it, what you actually start to cherish on stage is not the…

— Patton Oswalt

Wars are usually really popular with people that aren't gonna be affected by them. 'Cause it's just entertainment, and it's just weird,…

— Patton Oswalt

There's no destination. There's no getting anywhere. There's just the going. The key to life is to make the going really fun.…

— Patton Oswalt

I really do love doing stand-up, and I don't see why it should affect the acting. And I just want more interesting…

— Patton Oswalt

I'm glad that that era of stand-up is over, because I think it adversely affected a lot of people who could have…

— Patton Oswalt

“I'm sitting at the bar, rearranging the order of my jokes. I'm under the delusion that I'm having bad shows because of…

— Patton Oswalt

“That shit [religion] was going on all over the planet. They would tell them about sky cookies, or sky pie, or sky…

— Patton Oswalt

I have a lot of friends who were stand-ups, and they just stopped after a while, because they didn't like that battle,…

— Patton Oswalt

I think most comedians go through that (period), where you have to change or evolve. You don't want to just keep doing…

— Patton Oswalt

“Dear Patton: I've been feeling blue lately but I wasn't sure if it had anything to do with the amount of rain…

— Patton Oswalt

I fantasize and idealize myself as Bugs Bunny, but I know deep down I'm Daffy Duck.

— Patton Oswalt

In my mind, I was always a comedian who was going to branch into writing.

— Patton Oswalt

I'm always trying out new stuff onstage. That's where I do all my writing.

— Patton Oswalt

As unhealthy as I am, I'm weirdly aware of exactly how my body functions.

— Patton Oswalt

Zombies can't believe the energy we waste on nonfood pursuits.

— Patton Oswalt