Patton Oswalt

It’s the method of consumption, not what’s on the plate.

— Patton Oswalt

I have to drink this much to be as unfunny as you.

— Patton Oswalt

Is it bad when you refer to all alcohol as "Pain Go Bye-Bye Juice"?

— Patton Oswalt

It's like our country is being run by a bunch of bad alcoholic dads right now.

— Patton Oswalt

Even if you're popular, there are times when you just feel like you're not a part of things.

— Patton Oswalt

Just think of yourself as starting from zero every time. That's what I do with every new role. I'm at zero, and…

— Patton Oswalt

I've hung out in the writer's room a few times, but the fact is we've got such a good writing staff, I…

— Patton Oswalt

You can be an amateur and have a passion for something, but it takes a long time to actually become a professional,…

— Patton Oswalt

I'm so beyond genre, drama, comedies, I just want to do really good, interesting projects.

— Patton Oswalt

Any comedian who tells you how dark and dangerous they are, they're not dark and dangerous.

— Patton Oswalt

I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out if me with steel pipes.

— Patton Oswalt

Even if it's other people, like on MySpace pages, we're just as collective of enthusiasts now. That seems to be the world…

— Patton Oswalt

There are times when I have to take, I call it a 'silence bath,' where I shut off all of the external…

— Patton Oswalt

My advice to you is be boring, square, asshole parents... When I have kids, the most recent CD I will own -…

— Patton Oswalt

I haven't sworn off Facebook. I'm on Facebook. There's a fan page on Facebook that I will update, but I'm on there…

— Patton Oswalt

The truly great actors, like Charlize Theron, are just like, "I'm an actor. For hire. I show up, I do my job."…

— Patton Oswalt

The idea of, 'The journey is the destination' is put into action by browsing in an indie record store. Besides, a human…

— Patton Oswalt

I'm such a bookworm, and I'm such a people-watcher. It took the Internet a while to catch on in Ireland, because the…

— Patton Oswalt

So when you spot violence, or bigotry, or intolerance or fear or just garden-variety misogyny, hatred or ignorance, just look it in…

— Patton Oswalt

What you want to worship above youth, I think, is beauty, and beauty is so beyond just appearances after a while. Because…

— Patton Oswalt

MySpace is somehow more welcoming than Facebook. And Twittering, I just... Ugh. I like having radio silence. I think radio silence is…

— Patton Oswalt

“I had to go back and reread the page a few times. As I read it, I kept drifting out of the…

— Patton Oswalt

With a comedian, it's the opposite. You put that album out, and they've heard it. If they're coming out to see you,…

— Patton Oswalt

I haven't sworn off Facebook. I'm on Facebook. There's a fan page on Facebook that I will update, but I'm on there…

— Patton Oswalt

“Roddy the assistant manager lived in the theater. He'd emptied out one of the supply closets. He'd installed an inflatable mattress, a…

— Patton Oswalt

I love doing movies, but right now, television is the way Hollywood was in the late '60s and early '70s. The dream…

— Patton Oswalt

What I was trying to say in that bit, without saying it out loud, is that there were things - you're right,…

— Patton Oswalt

I'm grateful that I had that uphill battle for 10 years of going onstage and having nobody know who I was, because…

— Patton Oswalt

Every zombie story is fundamentally about a breakdown of order, with the infrastructure intact. That infrastructure might be on fire, yes.

— Patton Oswalt

If the victories we create in our heads were let loose on reality, the world we know would drown in blazing happiness.

— Patton Oswalt

I identify myself as a stand-up first. Even though lately there's been an explosion of acting on my schedule.

— Patton Oswalt

When you put an album out, you can't do any material from the album if people are paying to see you.

— Patton Oswalt

Lot of ugly funny dudes end up with some pretty gorgeous women. Women are much deeper than us in choosing a mate…

— Patton Oswalt

I've gotten very cynical and kind of anhedonic about all the things I have to do to get to do comedy: all…

— Patton Oswalt

I love the beginning of Magnolia, the thing about the dealer. That scene is genius. Brilliantly acted.

— Patton Oswalt

I know how my body operates differently from what it did when it was 30 and when it was 20. As unhealthy…

— Patton Oswalt

There's something kind of beautiful about that pure love of things. Like, "I'll show that I love the thing I love by…

— Patton Oswalt

I'm grateful that I had that uphill battle for 10 years of going onstage and having nobody know who I was, because…

— Patton Oswalt

I've had some pretty good arguments with people, but I've never regretted it. I've had people come up where it's all emotion…

— Patton Oswalt

“I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out of me with steel pipes.”

— Patton Oswalt