Humor Quotes · Page 376

A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.

— Chris Rock

“No," Marcus says. "Yes, take it." "Don't want it." "Why so difficult, Marc?" "Who's Marc?" "You are." "Yeah? 'Sup, Gid?”

— Veronica Rossi

Laughter or crying is what a human being does when there's nothing else he can do.

— Kurt Vonnegut

“Disrespectful! My grandmothers are both dead." "Well, Jesus. What did they die of?" "Mom always said 'meddling'.”

— Maggie Stiefvater

A feast is made for laughter, and wine maketh merry: but money answereth all things.

— Bible

“Try any way but you are not going to be happy unless you became my friend.”

— Rahul Bodkhe

The beauty of comedy is, when people come to a comedy club, there is a certain veil of reality suspended.

— Carlos Mencia

“Being a Falconer is about saving the buggers even if they don't deserve it." - Farlan MacNeil”

— Edwin McRae

“I cozied an apple in my hand and tried the weight of it against my palm, contemplating whether or not beaning a…

— Rachel Heffington

“As castles went, this one looked as though it could be taken by a small squad of not very efficient soldiers. For…

— Terry Pratchett

I look at the world and I find the funny in it, because there's funny in everything. No matter how ugly it…

— Charlie Murphy

“There’s someone in town asking for directions to Bhaile Anois,” she said. “He checked in late last night at the inn.” Any…

— Jude Watson

My childhood, adolescence and high school days are unusually important. If there has ever been a time that I developed a uniqueness…

— Lee Atwater

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes…

— Frank Carson

“Dear God in heaven.” Nik and Ban turned away, but Alek stood. Transfixed. “My God, y’all. She’s the worst goddamn dancer I’ve…

— Shelly Laurenston

I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch…

— Craig Ferguson

“The romantic is always intelligent, and I only meant to observe that although we have had foolish romantics, they don't count.”

— Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Because I work in comedy, I can't kick back and watch sitcoms as a form of leisure anymore.

— Esther Povitsky

A wise man will never tell his wife to keep quiet. He will tell her she looks beautiful with her mouth closed.

— Anonymous

“Don’t make a big deal out of a small deal - and you know everything is s small deal. Nothing is a…

— Art Hochberg

“His [Lord Peter's] long, amiable face looked as if it had generated spontaneously from his top hat, as white maggots breed from…

— Dorothy L. Sayers

“The catch about not looking a gift horse in the mouth is that it may be a Trojan horse.”

— David Seller

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry…

— Zach Galifianakis

The Germans have a wonderful combination of pathos, energy, and humor. They are like Californians with an education.

— Joan Juliet Buck

I am one boob, you are the other boob and together? We are breast friends.

— Anonymous

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I don't see myself as part of an acting fraternity or a comedy fraternity.

— Ricky Gervais

Ayo and I started performing together and have done comedy shows in some of the wettest, stinkiest basements of all time.

— Rachel Sennott

“The apple doesn't fall far from the tree…unless that tree's growing on top of a hill.”

— John DePrey

I have always thought of comedy as an important job and medium, and so I put pressure on myself to do the…

— Miranda Hart

“All this for two bad lines he could’ve gotten out of a fortune cookie?”

— Zoe Forward

“If ever there was something she needed to stick around and fight for, Luc was that something.”

— Rachel Gibson

“I wonder if a fish's One and only wish is That other fish will never say, "This fish is sure delicious!”

— Brian Rock

The Reformer is always right about what's wrong. However, he's often wrong about what is right.

— Anonymous

I usually balance out autobiography with goofy, amusing stuff to help keep the humour in my more serious work.

— Jeffrey Brown

“Being bigheaded can be as irritating and as dangerous as being small-minded.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an…

— Tommy Cooper

The edge of inappropriate is the spiritual home of the best stand-up comedy.

— Frank Skinner

“Oh my God! You little slut! You want to have a good date with him and want to have ten thousand of…

— J. Sterling

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. Rod Schmidt

— Rod Schmidt