Funny Quotes · Page 494

I had to stop drinkin, cuz I got tired of waking up in my car driving ninety.

— Richard Pryor

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.

— Bill Bailey

I'm looking forward to your lesbian wedding and my multiple chances of catching a bouquet.

— Anonymous

That awkward moment when you finish a TV series and don't know what to do with your life anymore..

— Anonymous

Always watch your step on an escalator. I once tripped and fell down the stairs for an hour and a half

— Azgraybebly Joslan

I Was Told I Sound Horrible andi Should Never Sing Again.

— Anonymous

“Thank you adult mittens, for allowing me to give people the finger without them knowing it.”

— Jimmy Fallon

As society has changed, what had formerly been unacceptable has become colourful.

— Iggy Pop

Oh, my dear boy, were not going to punish you for a little thing like that! It was an accident! We dont…

— â Cornelius Fudge

When a fat girl eats a cheeseburger, people think, "Ew, eat a salad." When a fat girl eats a salad, people think,…

— Anonymous

The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my…

— Lars Propst

“Oh. Well was this your first time painting a live model?” She nodded her head, with an almost guilty look on her…

— Zack Love

That awkward moment when you are at a red light and you look over to see the person next to you and…

— Mini-Mac

“So what can I really do? If you can jump through a two-story window, then what can I do?" "You can do…

— Courtney Allison Moulton

I think I was the only person in my experimental film class doing comedy. But my sense of humor and a lot…

— Andy Samberg

You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers,…

— Larry the Cable Guy

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I wish people would learn from their mistakes and not keep making the same exact ones, damaging themselves.

— Nikhil Saluja

Standing in the shower thinking...I really need a chair in here.

— Anonymous

Sometimes you just have to sit down and ask your parents if they sold your soul.

— Nikhil Saluja

Get comfortable with the idea that you won’t know what’s good until it’s already happened.

— Jad Abumrad

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

— Chelsea Handler

We used to have to convince people we were funny, and it didn't always work.

— Julian Barratt

Some ladies who play hard to get will eventually pray hard to get a husband.

— Anonymous

Ever looked back at your ex and asked yourself was I drunk the entire relationship?

— Anonymous

Congratulstions on breaking my record. I always thought the record would stand until it was broken.

— Yogi Berra

If you love what you do and are willing to do what it takes, it's within your reach.

— Steve Wozniak

Fats - very funny man, but every note that he played was like a pearl.

— Cecil Taylor

If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?

— George Carlin

But for failing love on our part, therefore is all our travail.

— Julian of Norwich

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

— Groucho Marx

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

— Groucho Marx

204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas and yet I can't find a decent relationship.

— Anonymous

My mother was very funny. My dad had a great sense of humor. My grandmother, too.

— Carol Burnett

When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you've been doing since you were 15.

— Anonymous

Billy Tauzin is one of the most interesting people in Washington. He is smart, funny, and interesting.

— Tucker Carlson

True faith begins with true repentance for whatever we have been doing that is wrong.

— Rick Joyner

When someone say's I like your shirt.. I look down to see what I'm wearing.

— Anonymous

How are you gonna make an 'idol' from the type of person you're trying to avoid in real life?

— Natasha Leggero

Did you buy your pants on sale? Cause in my room they'd be 100% off.

— Mitchell Sakundiak