Funny Quotes by Groucho Marx

Africa is God's country, and He can have it.

— Groucho Marx

You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you

— Groucho Marx

All geniuses die young.

— Groucho Marx

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

— Groucho Marx

The only real laughter comes from despair.

— Groucho Marx

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

— Groucho Marx

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

— Groucho Marx

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

— Groucho Marx

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

— Groucho Marx

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

— Groucho Marx

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.

— Groucho Marx

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

— Groucho Marx

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

— Groucho Marx

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

— Groucho Marx

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

— Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

— Groucho Marx

I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read…

— Groucho Marx

Obviously there was no point in being a bachelor if his houseman was going to filch his booze. If he was going…

— Groucho Marx

I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about…

— Groucho Marx

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

— Groucho Marx

I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home.

— Groucho Marx

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

— Groucho Marx

Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're…

— Groucho Marx

This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if…

— Groucho Marx

The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the…

— Groucho Marx

Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on…

— Groucho Marx

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for…

— Groucho Marx

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book . . . The recipes were to be the routine ones: how…

— Groucho Marx

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can…

— Groucho Marx

John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important,…

— Groucho Marx

Anyone buying this book is going to be out a tidy sum if he is sucked in by the title. I wish…

— Groucho Marx

In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition…

— Groucho Marx

Any place I hang my head is home.

— Groucho Marx

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

— Groucho Marx

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

— Groucho Marx

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

— Groucho Marx

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

— Groucho Marx

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

— Groucho Marx

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

— Groucho Marx

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

— Groucho Marx