Funny Quotes by Groucho Marx · Page 2

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

— Groucho Marx

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

— Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

— Groucho Marx

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

— Groucho Marx

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

— Groucho Marx

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

— Groucho Marx

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

— Groucho Marx

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.

— Groucho Marx

I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home.

— Groucho Marx

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

— Groucho Marx

Obviously there was no point in being a bachelor if his houseman was going to filch his booze. If he was going…

— Groucho Marx

I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about…

— Groucho Marx

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

— Groucho Marx

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

— Groucho Marx

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come…

— Groucho Marx

I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.

— Groucho Marx

Anyone buying this book is going to be out a tidy sum if he is sucked in by the title. I wish…

— Groucho Marx

The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.

— Groucho Marx

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

— Groucho Marx

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put "Emily, I love you" on the back of the bill.

— Groucho Marx

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

— Groucho Marx

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

— Groucho Marx

“A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”

— Groucho Marx

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's the only place to get a decent meal.

— Groucho Marx

I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

— Groucho Marx

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

— Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

— Groucho Marx

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)

— Groucho Marx

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

— Groucho Marx

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy

— Groucho Marx

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

— Groucho Marx

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

— Groucho Marx

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

— Groucho Marx

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

— Groucho Marx

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

— Groucho Marx

I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.

— Groucho Marx

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

— Groucho Marx

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

— Groucho Marx

Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk…

— Groucho Marx

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

— Groucho Marx