Chelsea Handler

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

— Chelsea Handler

Women don't have to be jealous of other women.

— Chelsea Handler

“If it comes easy...Take it twice”

— Chelsea Handler

Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.

— Chelsea Handler

I love people who have such passion for complete nonsense.

— Chelsea Handler

I would never sell my dog for a man. I'd sell the man.

— Chelsea Handler

“Your lack of geographical knowledge is truly astounding.”

— Chelsea Handler

But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.

— Chelsea Handler

Everyone, calm down. I met with mr. Cent about a potential project. Theres nothing to report yet, ill let you know if…

— Chelsea Handler

If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?

— Chelsea Handler

There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.

— Chelsea Handler

Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.

— Chelsea Handler

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

— Chelsea Handler

I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.

— Chelsea Handler

The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.

— Chelsea Handler

I don't cook... I don't know how to clean... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic.

— Chelsea Handler

I try to not overthink anything. I don't understand why nipples are nudity. Who cares? Men can show their nipples but if…

— Chelsea Handler

I'm a worker. I like to work and I like to provide work for other people. I like to put people on…

— Chelsea Handler

The show is a behind-the-scenes look at what happens at our office when the cameras are off...A perfect platform for people who…

— Chelsea Handler

Thanksgiving is coming. I wonder what the holiday will be like at Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house—obviously, they’ll have a turkey with…

— Chelsea Handler

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she…

— Chelsea Handler

“I’m a murderer, Ted! I’m a murderer. A dog murderer! I’m just like Phil Spector minus the music career.” “No, Chelsea, you…

— Chelsea Handler

Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have…

— Chelsea Handler

Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. Its the first time an entire Third World country will have to…

— Chelsea Handler

I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a…

— Chelsea Handler

Absolutely I'm going to be talking about it, because it's in the zeitgeist and it's happening. It's an election year. It's the…

— Chelsea Handler

For the gay and lesbian community, even though I'm not gay I think its really important to speak out for people that…

— Chelsea Handler

Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them…

— Chelsea Handler

According to an article on CNN.com, a new study says people who are bad kissers don't get laid. Where are you supposed…

— Chelsea Handler

Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to…

— Chelsea Handler

“I've found that many of the people who have a passion for karaoke too often have misplaced confidence, which can become aggressive…

— Chelsea Handler

“There are many ways to get to know someone, and my favorite is seeing them naked in Happy Baby pose. I also…

— Chelsea Handler

“In true Ted form, he was not in on the joke, which is basically the foundation of our relationship. No matter how…

— Chelsea Handler

“I rolled over and picked up Us Weekly magazine off the floor. The cover had a picture of Angelina, Brad, and their…

— Chelsea Handler

“I hated Big. I hated everything about him and this story line. First of all, it didn’t make any sense that he…

— Chelsea Handler

“It's not the concept of marriage I have a problem with. I'd like to get married too. A couple times. It's the…

— Chelsea Handler

“I had heard my brothers and sisters use curse words but had never dared use one myself in front of anyone. But…

— Chelsea Handler

“Without ruining the ending, the gist is that he’s a gay reindeer who can’t afford a nose job, but he becomes a…

— Chelsea Handler

“It was Valentine's Day and I had spent the day in bed with my life partner, Ketel One. The two of us…

— Chelsea Handler

“And just like that, as if I hadn't said anything at all, the ladies sprang into a conversation about the sinful nature…

— Chelsea Handler