Funny Quotes by Chelsea Handler

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

— Chelsea Handler

But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.

— Chelsea Handler

No one tells me what to do -- in any capacity.

— Chelsea Handler

Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.

— Chelsea Handler

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

— Chelsea Handler

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

— Chelsea Handler

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.

— Chelsea Handler

Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.

— Chelsea Handler

I went out with a guy who once told me I didnt need to drink to make myself more fun to be…

— Chelsea Handler

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

— Chelsea Handler

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere…

— Chelsea Handler

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

— Chelsea Handler

You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.

— Chelsea Handler

I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I…

— Chelsea Handler

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.

— Chelsea Handler

Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for…

— Chelsea Handler

I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game,…

— Chelsea Handler

“Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his…

— Chelsea Handler

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put…

— Chelsea Handler

“This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's…

— Chelsea Handler

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of…

— Chelsea Handler

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole…

— Chelsea Handler

I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks…

— Chelsea Handler

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of…

— Chelsea Handler

“So you're a comedian," he said. "Tell me something funny." "Okay. The great thing about being an alcoholic is that when you're…

— Chelsea Handler

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

— Chelsea Handler

First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.

— Chelsea Handler

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.

— Chelsea Handler

If someone took the 'F' letter off me, I'd be ucked.

— Chelsea Handler

I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.

— Chelsea Handler

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would…

— Chelsea Handler

“I thought maybe she was trying to be funny but then realized this was impossible to do without a sense of humor.”

— Chelsea Handler

You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my…

— Chelsea Handler

A lot of amazing comedians that I've worked with just really follow their instincts and you can't really teach someone comedic timing.…

— Chelsea Handler

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during…

— Chelsea Handler

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs.…

— Chelsea Handler

My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to…

— Chelsea Handler