I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession. — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
The one continuing problem in my life has always had the shape of just one question: What amusing thing can I do… — Evalyn Walsh McLean Copy Share Image
Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as… — Brian Kernighan Copy Share Image
Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic."… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
We didn't even think about it, you know? I used to collect laser discs, and you'd have some college professor analyzing It's… — Dana Carvey Copy Share Image
Strange medical news from Pakistan: A man had a successful organ transplant with a dog. They gave the man a dog's organ.… — Craig Kilborn Copy Share Image
Whenever someone asks me, How you doing? I say, Everything was fine till I had to stop and respond to your small… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
“Ye are a scoundrel, a black-hearted robber and a rogue,' Stubble said cheerily to the grumbling captain. It was his usual way… — Ian Livingstone Copy Share Image
Don't get jealous when you see your ex with someone else because we were always told to give our toys to the… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Do you think the Goblin King really did it?" asked Cordelia hesitantly. All the sheep knew she was talking about George's death.… — Leonie Swann Copy Share Image
Can someone tell me where can I find the Zux Fanfic? Ive heard what its about but I wanna read it myself… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
These are not ordinary human beings. They are criminals. As a matter of fact, they are criminals, both by nature and by… — Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf Copy Share Image
I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm… — Jeff Ross Copy Share Image
Whoever drinks beer, he is quick to sleep; whoever sleeps long, does not sin; whoever does not sin, enters Heaven! Thus, let… — Martin Luther Copy Share Image
