If my kids were to make a talking doll of me as a mother, one of my recorded phrases would be 'I… — Justine Bateman Copy Share Image
One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I have no tolerance for dudes that cheat on their beautiful girlfriends for something that looks like it belongs in the zoo — Ana Chable Copy Share Image
The issue we are reluctant to talk about is even more sensitive than condoms. The issue - and I will try to… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I'm not offended. Lenny Bruce taught me that everything's funny. You can make everything funny. I don't think that assassinations are funny,… — Larry King Copy Share Image
“Sometimes we know people who are too wonderful for words. I am not one of them. Or you, for that matter, as… — Michael Hogan Copy Share Image
You don't want to have to be the man and the woman in the relationship. I always say you want a man… — Pamela Anderson Copy Share Image
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
In all my years as an actor, I had never been me - I had always hidden behind my glasses, mustaches and… — Jon Pertwee Copy Share Image
You know, it's funny, I know a lot of people outside of football in different businesses, whatever it is. And they're in… — Joel Glazer Copy Share Image
I love how in scary movies how the person yells out hello as if the killer is gonna say yeah Im in… — Lars Propst Copy Share Image
I have an eating disorder. I be eatin DIS order of fries, and DIS order of nuggets, and DIS order of wings… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell,… — Bruce Baum Copy Share Image
“Which is your bad shoulder?" His brows knit together. "The left," he said carefully. She slugged him in the right. He staggered.… — Cindy Gerard Copy Share Image
Guys who try to use the Are you on your period? as a way to end an argument always amuse me. Because… — Katie Grabil Copy Share Image
I personally love the record-making more than the actually performing and travelling. It's funny, the drastic shift in lifestyle that comes with… — Washed Out Copy Share Image
*On a roller coaster* Other People; AHHH! WOOOHOO! - Me: HOLY SHIT. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. I'M GONNA DIE, GET… — Amit Verma Copy Share Image
“Melons. The girls. Gazongas. I could rattle off every nickname in the world for my boobs – oops nearly forgot jubblies –… — Gabrielle Tozer Copy Share Image
A dog reflects the family life. Whoever saw a frisky dog in a gloomy family, or a sad dog in a happy… — Arthur Conan Doyle Copy Share Image
Growing up, there were TV shows that were very funny but very traditional. Classic things like 'Fawlty Towers,' obviously, and 'Blackadder' were… — Edgar Wright Copy Share Image
If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
“...life is a funny thing. We go through ups and downs, winters and summers, but somewhere, sometimes, it's good.” — Ron McLarty Copy Share Image
“No, this isn’t funny. She’s got to realize what she’s getting herself into. Our society isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s… — Nicole Gulla Copy Share Image
Females love saying I'm single but soon when a ugly nigga ask for they number her 1st line iz awww I cant… — IG:Catone_2funny Copy Share Image
You know you're addicted to Call of Duty when you go to work, take your boss's suitcase, make beeping sounds, and then… — Alec Straub Copy Share Image
Sorry. Im no longer in a mood to post anything anymore. someone in this house upset me.i don't want to even attempt… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Poetry's unnat'ral; no man ever talked in poetry 'cept a beadle on boxin' day, or Warren's blackin' or Rowland's oil, or some… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
I had this very strict rule when I began auditioning that I wasn't gonna do a thicker accent, because it was like,… — Kumail Nanjiani Copy Share Image
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said… — Harry Hill Copy Share Image
“So you st that charge, and then put yourself right smack in the middle of the blast radius?" Brandt asked with what… — Abigail Roux Copy Share Image
Nowadays they have 12 directors and 15 producers and 30 writers. And all the writers want their lines said a certain way-which… — Tim Conway Copy Share Image
“A: Funny about my mother. All my life, from the time I was just a little kid, I thought of her as… — Robert Cormier Copy Share Image
It shouldn't be an issue that we have a black president. Gay marriage shouldn't be an issue. And women being funny shouldn't… — Ari Graynor Copy Share Image
A comedic look at the TV License, you stop paying it and you get clobbered, you pay the fine but continue to… — Sparki Dee Copy Share Image
Let me remind you that this is God's universe, and He is doing things His way. You may think you have a… — J. Vernon McGee Copy Share Image
“Seth turns to Laney and I. "Three months ago, I'm in Detroit protesting a free trade conference, right? Some pig shoves me,… — Hannah Harrington Copy Share Image
The Madonna tour thing was definitely funny that - you know, children were crying watching us... and it was interesting seeing how… — Ad-Rock Copy Share Image
Real men want women of any age who like them, who want to make them feel good and raise their testosterone level. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When you're at a comedy club, if you're not funny, you don't work. People will let you know, whether it's by booing… — Brad Stine Copy Share Image
It's funny because looking back at my first contest, I was 15 and surfing the Haleiwa contest wearing this tiny bikini. I… — Alana Blanchard Copy Share Image
